Stan
Kyle
Cartman and his good and bad sides
Kenny
Butters
Jimmy
Craig
Mr. Mackey
Liane Cartman
Nanny 911 Nanny Stella
Supernanny Jo
Doctor At Mental Hospital
Cesar Millan
Announcers
| [Mr. Mackey's office, day. He's at his desk with Liane and Eric facing him] | |
| Mr. Mackey: | Mrs. Cartman, we have had it with your son's behavior, mkay?! Little Billy Turner is now being treated at the hospital! |
| Liane: | Eric, why would you do such a thing? |
| Cartman: | I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to the school flagpole. |
| Liane: | You know that's not the point! |
| Cartman: | Okay, I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to a flagpole and then gave him a hacksaw. And then told him I had poisoned his lunch milk and that the only way he could get to the antidote in time would be to saw through his leg. |
| Liane: | That's very naighty, Eric. |
| Cartman: | Well he called me chubby! |
| Mr. Mackey: | We have tried at this school to make Eric understand that there are boundaries, mkay?! But frankly, we believe his behavioral problems start at home! |
| Liane: | [agreeing] I know. I know he's out of control. But... you don't know what it's like. [reaches into her purse, pulls out a napkin and cries into it] I'm sorry. It's just that... he seems to get worse every day. [crying through her words] He just never listens. |
| Cartman: | Well nice goin', asshole! You made my mom cry! |
| Liane: | It's not him, it's you, Eric. [Cartman's anger vanishes] I don't know what to do with you. |
| Cartman: | Sure you do. You're a great mom. Who's got the greatest mom in the world? I dooo. My mom is number one in my heart. It's true! |
| Liane and Eric: | My mom's the best mom, better than your mom. It's singing together in harmony. |
| Mr. Mackey: | Mrs. Cartman, I know this is extremely difficult but, there is help out there for people like you. Have you ever heard of a show called Nanny 911? |
| [Nanny 911 clips.] | |
| Announcer: | They're every parent's worst nightmare. [Two boys are in a bedroom. The older boy jumps around on the bed and throws a blue pillow at the younger one, the younger one cries, gets up, and throws the pillow back at him.] |
| Girl: | [in the bathroom with her father] Shut up! I hate you! I hate you! [runs away. Her father is confused] |
| Announcer: | Kids completely out of control. [a boy is at the dining table at home, next to a bowl of spaghetti. He picks up the bowl, turns it over, dumps the speghetti to the floor, and wears the bowl as a hat] |
| Boy: | [drops to the floor and slides around in the spaghetti] Look, I'm skating, I'm skating! |
| Announcer: | It's time to call Nanny 911. [a silhouetted nanny walks in from the left and into the show's coats of arms. Next shot is a camera zomming into NANNY CENTRAL. Inside the manor the nannies are shown: Nanny Stella, Nanny Deb, Nonny Yvonne, and Nanny Skexis] We've gathered a team of world-class nannies to help families in crisis. [five kids are on a living room sofa. One kid dances around, another repeatedly bangs an object on the floor, two others throw stuff to the floor] Parents of America, help is on the way! [Cartman is shown fingerpainting] Tonight... |
| Cartman: | [grabs a can of Red Bull. Several more cans are scattered around, and one of them has tipped over and spilled some drink] Mom, I need another energy drink! [tosses a can away. Next shot, he's in the tub taking a bath and farts. Next shot, he has finished off the tacos his mom served him and takes one of hers without permission.] |
| Announcer: | This eight year old son of a single parent just won't behave |
| Cartman: | [from his days supporting Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ: pounds the table a few times] Wir m?ssen die Juden ausrotten!! [his hair gets meesed up from the impacts] |
| Announcer: | And Nanny Stella is selected to set him straight. [Stella, a stout blonde, walks toward Cartman's house, and people take second looks at her. She approaches Cartman's front door] |
| Stella: | It's time for Nanny Stella to show Eric Cartman his ways are not going to be tolerated anymore! [knocks on the door. Inside, Cartman is playing a video game. Stella knocks again] |
| Cartman: | Mom, are you deaf?! Somebody's at the door! |
| Liane: | [walks by] Yes. I think it's the nanny, boopsiekins. |
| Cartman: | Killer. I'm gonna be on TV now. [burps] |
| Stella: | [Liane answers the door] Hello. I'm Nanny Stella. |
| Liane: | Oh, thank you so much for coming. Please come in. [shows Stella in. Stella walks up to Cartman] |
| Stella: | And you must be Eric. |
| Cartman: | Mom, I want a Twinkie. |
| Liane: | All, all right dear. [starts walking, but Stella stops her] |
| Stella: | Hold on, Mrs. Cartman. There are going to be some rule changes around here, Eric. First of all, no video games until chores are done. |
| Cartman: | [glances up at her] Ha! Hahahahahaha |
| Stella: | I'm serious. Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen. |
| Cartman: | No thanks, I'd rahther naught. |
| Stella: | Right. Then I'm going to have to take it. [takes away the controller, then unplugs and gathers up the rest of the game console] |
| Cartman: | The hell do you think you're doing? |
| Stella: | Come on. [leads Liane and Cartman into the kitchen and sets the console down] This video game is going right here on the counter until we've done some chores. Now, first thing we're going to do is make your bed. [She walks off. Eric simply grabs the console and heads back to the living room, and she returns] Eric, no! This is not acceptable! [takes the console and sets it back on counter] |
| Cartman: | Stop trying to bogart my X-Box, you fat bitch! |
| Stella: | All right, that's it! [grabs his hand] You're going to time-out! [leads him away] |
| Cartman: | Time out? |
| Stella: | [takes him to a stool and places him on it as Liane watches] Whenever you are naughty, Eric, you are going to sit on this stool for five minutes. |
| Cartman: | [glances down and thinks] And what exactly keeps me on the stool? |
| Stella: | It's the time-out stool. You cahn't get down until the time is up. |
| Cartman: | [looks at her, then hops off the stool] Whoa, how did I do that? [walks off to get his X-Box] |
| Stella: | Eric, you have to stay in time-out! |
| Cartman: | Ummm, no? |
| Stella: | [approaches him, takes his hands off the console, and takes him back to the stool] Come on, you don't have a choice. |
| Cartman: | All right, seriously, you're starting to piss me off now. |
| Stella: | [genuflects and addresses him firmly] Eric, you need to listen to me. [to Liane] This is very important. I am getting down to eye level with Eric so that I can talk to him on his level. [to Eric] Eric, you need to understand why you are being punished. All right? |
| Cartman: | I'm just gonna get down as soon as you move. |
| Stella: | Well then, I'll just have to stand right here! [Cartman snorts inward, gathering up a wad of mucus and saliva and spitting it at Stella's mouth] Oh! [Cartman hops off and walks toward his X-Box] He spit in my mouth! |
| Liane: | Yeah, it's best to avoid his level. |
| Stella: | All right! I've dealt with this before! We just need to use psychology on him! |
| Cartman: | [hooks up the X-Box again] Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeling. |
| Stella: | [genuflects behind him and embraces him] Eric, can I just talk to you for a quick second? Why are you so angry? |
| Cartman: | Because you took my X-Box. |
| Stella: | Is this about more than your vedio game? Are you feeling angry at me because you think I'm here to change your life? |
| Cartman: | Well, yeah. |
| Stella: | And you're feeling like I have no right to come in and tell you how to live. |
| Cartman: | Yeah. I guess so. |
| Stella: | [to Liane] See this? You have to take the time to talk to your children about their feelings. What else are you feeling, Eric? |
| Cartman: | Well, I'm feeling confused, because I don't understand why you became a nanny. |
| Stella: | Me? Well, it's because I love children, like you. |
| Cartman: | Right, but... if you love children so much, how come you're not a mommy? |
| Stella: | Oh, I just never had kids. |
| Cartman: | Why not? |
| Stella: | It... just... didn't happen. |
| Cartman: | You're sterile, is that it? [she releases him, taken aback by that question] No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? [her jaw drops] Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless. |
| Stella: | Why you, you... [stands up] you little bastard! How dare you?! |
| Liane: | Eric, naughty. |
| Stella: | What kind of [picks him up by the collar] monster would- |
| Cartman: | Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile! [Stella drops him and steps back a bit] |
| Stella: | That's it! [walks up to the camera] I'm not doing this! |
| Liane: | Oh, but we really need some help. [Stella steps back to talk to Liane] |
| Stella: | Find yourself another nanny... televison show! |
| [Next nanny show: A British flag, then a smiling nanny, then the nanny next to a British phone, with three kids next to her, then an early limosine pulls up and she gets inside it, then an American flag appears, then she's having dinenr with an American family. Last scene is a montage of children she's dealt with over the length of her career] | |
| Announcer: | Coming up next, it's Super Nanny! Where other nannies fail, Nanny Jo comes through. [a parasol appears in her hand, then the camera pulls back to show three child silhouettes on either side of her. The silhouettes jump up and down] |
| [The Super Nanny's limo rolls up to Cartman's house. In the back seat, she's holding up a portable DVD player. A scene of Nanny 911 is playing: Stella taking the X-Box from Cartman after they enter the kitchen] | |
| Jo: | This child's behavior is totally unacceptable! |
| [Cartman's front door. Jo walks up and knocks] | |
| Jo: | Well, there's no trial too tough for Super Nanny! In just three days' time you're going to see a new Eric Cartman. |
| THREE DAYS LATER... | |
|---|---|
| [Slater-Carey Mental Hospital, day. Inside, a doctor is walking down the hall with Liane] | |
| Doctor: | I'm afraid Super Nanny is in a deep state of mental psychosis. |
| Liane: | What do you mean? |
| Doctor: | I mean, [looks into the nanny's room, 23A] she spends most of her time sobbing and eating her own excrement. [Liane looks inside through a window. Jo is glued to her toilet seat, eating her own shit.] |
| Jo: | [Through mouthfuls of poop.] From heeell! It's from heeell! |
| Liane: | Oh dear. I don't know what else to do about my son's behavioral problems. We've been through every nanny reality show on television. |
| Doctor: | Wull there... is... one more show you could still try. |
| DOG WHISPERER |
|
| [First scene: two dog owners try to keep their angry dogs away frmm each other. Second scene, a Chihuahua tries to keep a lampshade his owner is trying to take from him. Next, a man runs through a meadow with four dogs. Next, he's skating down a city street with six dogs on leashes pulling him along. Next, he's training a dog at poolside. Next, he's handling a terribly agitated dog. Next, he's running along a shore with the six dogs he had on leashes earlier, now unleashed. Next, he's giving a dog's leash to its female dog owner. Finally, a montage of silhouettes with Cesar and a bunch of dogs] | |
| Announcer: | When good dogs go bad, there's one man who's their best friend. Cesar Millan. |
| Cesar: | No dog is too much for me to handle. I rehabilitate dogs, I train people. I am the dog wheesperer. |
| [The Cartman house, day. Cesar approaches the front door and knocks. Liane answers] | |
| Liane: | Please, come in. |
| [The living room. Cesar walks in and quickly ignores Cartman] | |
| Cesar: | So tell me what are the problems you are having with the child? |
| Liane: | Well, he's just... out of control. I mean, he never listens to me, and he pretty much runs my life. |
| Cesar: | So the child needs to learn that he's not the most important person in the house. |
| Cartman: | You can stop talkin' behind my back; I'm right here, fruitcake. |
| Cesar: | See I'm not looking at the child, I'm not acknowledging the child, I'm just letting the child know I'm not interested in him. |
| Cartman: | Not interested im me? |
| Cesar: | See the child thinks your world revolves around him, because it does. Because everything he does gets a response from you. |
| Cartman: | Yeah, well I don't see why- |
| Cesar: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. |
| Cartman: | Hey! |
| Cesar: | Don't look at the child; just keep looking at me. Let, let him know we are having a conversation |
| Cartman: | Mom, this guy doesn't- |
| Cesar: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. |
| Cartman: | Ah! Quit it! |
| Liane: | What what is it that you're doing? |
| Cesar: | Dogs show their dominance by nipping each other on the neck, but it works equally well on a child. I just use two fingers, nip at the child's neck, doesn't hurt the child, just let him know I am dominant. |
| Cartman: | Look, Mexican, if you really think that you can- |
| Cesar: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. |
| Cartman: | KNOCK IT OFF! |
| Cesar: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. See, I'm not validating his bad behavior with either negative or positive response. |
| Liane: | Oh, that's very interesting. |
| Cesar: | I think the first thing we need to work on is getting the child some exercise. He's fat and he has all this pent-up energy that- |
| Cartman: | I'm not fat! |
| Cesar: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. -we need to let him burn off. Do you take walks with your son? |
| Liane: | Well, no, I don't. |
| Cesar: | Go on, take your son for a walk. |
| [Outside. Cesar and Liane are walking along, with Cesar holding Cartman on a leash and harness] | |
| Cartman: | Ey! You think this is funny, you sonofabitch? |
| Cesar: | See once again, I am the one going for a walk. It's about me, the child is lucky to come along. |
| Cartman: | Mom, this is degrading! |
| Cesar: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. |
| Cartman: | Agh! Goddamnit! Aaarrgh! [begins to strain the leash, but can't get loose. He struggles to escape] |
| Cesar: | Don't look at him, just look straight ahead and he'll run out of evergy soon. [Cartman tries to get loose from the leash, but Cesar reins him back every time. Cartman starts getting tired.] |
| Cartman: | Maaaa. Mommm. [getting hoarse] Mommm. |
| Cesar: | Here, why don't you try it now. Take your son. [Liane takes the leash and Cartman goes to her left side] |
| Cartman: | Mom, seriously, people are seeing me! |
| Cesar: | Good. Just keep your confidence, shoulders back, eyes straight ahead. The chlid can pick up on that confidence, learning he's supposed to follow you, not lead you. |
| Cartman: | Mom, don't you love me? Can't you see I'm unhappy right now? |
| Liane: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cesar is pleased] |
| Cartman: | Mom! |
| Cesar: | Good, Ms. Cartman. Very good! |
| [The Dog Whisperer, back to the show.] | |
| Announcer: | And now, back to the Dog Whispererrrrr. |
| [Cesar is in the living room talking with Liane. A bag sits on the floor to his left.] | |
| Cesar: | It is important to understand that dogs run in packs. And one dog is always dominant: the pack leader. |
| Cartman: | [on the sofa to Liane's left] God damnit stop ignoring me! |
| Cesar: | You must assert yourself as pack leader with dominant energy. |
| Liane: | Ahall right. |
| Cartman: | This is abuse! I am a child, and I am entitled to attention! |
| Liane: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. |
| Cartman: | Quit it, mom! |
| Liane: | It doesn't seem to work as well when I do it. |
| Cesar: | Okay, let me show you how to express the dominant energy. What I have done is I have brought over some Kentucky Fried Chicken. [pulls a bucket of chicken out of the bag. He and Liane walk away from the sofa] |
| Cartman: | Ooo, Colonel? |
| Cesar: | I am going to eat first, because that is what the pack leader does. [Cartman hops down from the sofa and goes to the bicket] |
| Cartman: | Give, give me the chicken. G-give me some chicken. |
| Cesar: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. |
| Cartman: | Eh, what are you doing? I want chicken! Give me some Goddamned chicken! |
| Cesar: | I am not going to acknowledge the child's attempt at aggressive dominant behavior. Now you eat the chicken. [hands the bucket to Liane] |
| Cartman: | Mom, gimme, give me some chicken; I want some chicken, Mom! |
| Cesar: | We won't reward him until he's in a calm submissive behavior. |
| Cartman: | [to Cesar] Goddamnit, I am not a dog! [turns to Liane and hops up and down like an excited dog] Give me the chicken. Give, give, give me the chicken. I want the chicken! Chicken! [gets shrill] Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! |
| Cesar: | [observing Cartman] We need him to become relaxed and submissive. |
| Cartman: | Gih- [quiets down] Okay, I'm fine. I'm cool now. May I have some chicken please? |
| Liane: | Oh, very good, sweetie. |
| Cesar: | Oh no, now he's lying. You can tell from his stance he's still aggressive-dominant. |
| Cartman: | Suck my asshole, taco vendor! |
| Cesar: | See? |
| Cartman: | Goddamnit, you can't stand here and eat KFC in front of me! [to Liane] Now hand it over! |
| Cesar: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. |
| Cartman: | You can't do that to me, I- |
| Cesar: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman sits on the floor] |
| Cartman: | Goddamnit, you just can't- |
| Cesar: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman is on his back] |
| Cartman: | Seriously! Ey? Eh... [he's now fully on his back, calm] |
| Cesar: | I am not being aggressive; I am being dominant. |
| Liane: | Wow, I have a lot to learn. |
| Cartman: | [sits up, then stands] Mom, I am serious! This has gone on long enough! Get that guy out of here and give me a piece of chicken! [Liane ignores him by looking up and away] That's how you want it, bitch?! Fine! [goes upstairs] I hate you! I'm running away! |
| Liane: | Oh dear. [Cartman's bedroom door closes] |
| Cesar: | It's okay, this is all part of the domance struggle. |
| Liane: | But what if he does run away. |
| Cesar: | Let him go. He'll be back. This a good opportunity for you to relax and enjoy your favorite hobby. [they walk toward the kitchen] |
| [Stan's living room, later. Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny are playing Monopoly.] | |
| Butters: | [his turn] Oh boy, Park Avenue! I'm rich! [he and the dealer Stan exchange money through Kyle. Cartman enters] |
| Cartman: | Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news. [sighs as Kyle takes his turn] I ran away from home. Yeah, my mom just... doesn't care about me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough livin' on my own. But I'll get by, somehow. |
| Stan: | [takes his turn] You can't stay here. |
| Cartman: | Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep! I'm out on the street! |
| Kyle: | You'er not staying at my house either. |
| Cartman: | All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you. |
| Butters: | No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore. |
| Cartman: | Well what do you guys expect me to do?! Stay at Kenny's house?! [Kenny takes his turn] His family's totally poor; I'm not staying with poor people! [play continues] All right, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man. |
| Kenny: | (Fuck you.) |
| Cartman: | Och! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the street somewhere! [Butters takes his turn] Out in the cold! Probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys'll be sorry when I turn up dead! [walks out and shuts the front door] |
| Butters: | [taking his turn] Whoopie! G and R Railroad! |
| [Jimmy's house. The doorbell rings and Jimmy walks over to answer the door. He opens it and sees Cartman there.] | |
| Cartman: | Hey Jimmy. You're not gonna believe this, but... I ran away from home. I just... I really need the support of my best friend right now. |
| Jimmy: | Who is your best friend? |
| Cartman: | You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends. We know everything about each other. |
| Jimmy: | What's my last name? |
| Cartman: | [tries to answer, but can't, so he leaves in a huff] Goddamnit! [knocks on another door and Craig answers] Craig, dude, I ran away from home. You're the first person I came to. I knew you'd take me in off the streets. |
| Craig: | ...But I hate you. |
| Cartman: | ...Should that really matter at a time like this? |
| [An alley in downtown South Park, during a rainy moment. Cartman sits next to a trash bin, shielding himself from the rain with some newspaper and some other sheets] | |
| Cartman: | This is bullcrap! Mom'll break soon. I can outlast her. |
| [Cartman's house, later. Liane is at the kitchen making a calligraphic painting. The front door closes and Cartman appears] | |
| Cartman: | All right, I'm back. |
| Liane: | Oh Eric, I'm so happy you're home. |
| Cartman: | Yes, well, hopefully you've learned your lesson! I've come back, but there's going to be some changes around here. |
| Liane: | Look what I did, Eric. I learned how to make Sumie paintings. I had almost forgotten how artistic I was. |
| Cartman: | That's super-interesting. But I've been out living in the streets for almost four hours! Make me something to eat. |
| Liane: | Cesar... |
| Cesar: | How is the painting going? |
| Cartman: | Aw, Goddamnit! |
| Cesar: | Oh look it came back. |
| Liane: | Yup, just like you said he would. |
| Cartman: | What is he still doing here?! |
| Liane: | He said he's hungry. What should I do? |
| Cesar: | Well let's feed it. |
| [an hour or so later, they're seated at the dining room table for dinner] | |
| Cartman: | What the hell is this?! Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad?! This is just like Auschwitz! |
| Cesar: | This is more aggressive-dominant behavior. Don't nurture it. |
| Cartman: | Oh my God. Bite-size Snickers? That's it. I'm calling child-protective services! [gets off and walks to the phone] |
| Cesar: | Come on, Ms. Cartman, you must become pack leader. What do you do? |
| Liane: | Eric, if you don't want to eat then, why don't you go brush your teeth and go to bed?! |
| Cesar: | Nooo, you're asking him a favor. Don't ask a favor, dominate! [they walk up to Cartman, who's ready to dial] |
| Cartman: | Mom, I want this guy OUT of here! You got it? If he's not gone, in two minutes, I will call social services on you! |
| Cesar: | You project the dominant energy and he will pick up on it. I promise. Shoulder back, head high, don't reason with it, don't argue with it, just dominate it. |
| Cartman: | I am your son, and you will listen to me! You have no right to- |
| Liane: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. |
| Cartman: | Mon, know it off! I'm not gonna stand for th- |
| Liane: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman drops the receiver and sits on the floor] |
| Cartman: | Seriously! Mom- |
| Liane: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. |
| Cartman: | Seriusly! Why are you... doing this-? |
| Liane: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman is flat on his back] |
| Cartman: | Mom?! |
| Liane: | [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. |
| Cartman: | Mom? Mom... |
| Liane: | [makes sure Cartman is relaxed, then stands up and turns to Cesar] I did it! [smiles. Cartman doesn't move] |
| [The living room, moments later. Cesar is back on a chair as Liane sits on the sofa] | |
| Cesar: | You see? You're calm, assertive, and in control. [Cartman walks by, looking defeated, glances at Cesar, then at his mom, then sits by his mom on the sofa and cuddles up to her, a little warily] |
| Liane: | Oh... Oh my gosh! |
| Cesar: | See? This is the behavior we've been looking for. This is a relaxed, submissive state. |
| Liane: | He's never done this before. |
| Cesar: | Good. Now you can reward the behavior with praise and attention. |
| Liane: | I love you very much, poopsiekins. You're Mommy's sunshine. [Cartman sniffs] |
| Cesar: | Now you can give him a snack. [Liane offers Cartman a chunk of Candy, which Cartman laps up like a dog] Good, this is reeally good. Now try a command. |
| Liane: | Eric, I want you to go upstairs and brush your teeth. Then I'll be up to read you a story before bed. [Cartman doesn't do anything at first, then he hops off the sofa and heads for his room, head down] Oh my goodness. I can't believe it. |
| Cesar: | This is a great first step, but you're gonna have to stay firm and confident. You are the pack leader now. |
| Liane: | I am the pack leader! [grins] |
| Cesar: | Now before you go read your son his story let's go enjoy a nice quiet cup of tea. |
| Liane: | Sounds divine! |
| [The bathroom. Cartman goes in to brush his teeth.] | |
| Cartman: | Who does she think telling me to go brush my teeth?! [despite his indignation, he looks compeled to follow orders. He gets up on the stool, gets the toothbrush, turns on the cold water, and gets the toothpaste] Jesus. What's happening to me? |
| [Caf? Monet, day. Cesar and Liane wait to be served as a waiter attends other tables al fresco] | |
| Cesar: | So, how is your son doing, Ms. Cartman? |
| Liane: | Oh, he's been amazing, Cesar. He got an A on his last spelling test and a B+ in history. He's losing weight and he's doing what I tell him. |
| Cesar: | That's greeat! |
| Liane: | The best part is I'm not letting him boss me around anymore. I could have never come out and have a nice lunch on a Saturday afternoon with a friend before. |
| Cesar: | Good, Ms. Cartman, sounds like you're treating your son like a son and not like a friend. |
| Liane: | There's just one problem: he still fights me every step of the way. I feel like he's doing what I tell him, but that inside he's still the same angry spoiled child. |
| Cesar: | Don't worry. When you correct the behavior, eventually you will see a change in the personality. |
| Liane: | Oh Cesar, I'm so happy to have you in my life. [places her left hand on his right one - closeup shot] |
| [Kyle's house, later. The boys have gathered there to play video games. Cartman enters, wearing a blue shirt and combed hair. He looks thinner] | |
| Cartman: | Guys, listen up. I really need your help this time. I've thought about it a lot and I've decided I have to kill my mom. |
| Butters: | Kill your mom? |
| Cartman: | She doesn't let me wear whatever I want anymore. Things have really gotten out of hand! My mom must die so I can have a place to live, but without her trying to run my life. She's like Hitler with all the demands she makes. |
| Stan: | Dude, have you lost more weight? |
| Cartman: | Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now. You see what I mean?? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now! I have to kill my mom. It's my only way out. |
| Kyle: | Dude, don't kill your mom. That's not cool. |
| Cartman: | She's Hitler! Would you have killed Hitler if you had the chance?! [rushes away and gets an easel with some schematics on it] All right now, here's the plan. At 9:45 tonight I will sneak out of my room and leave the house, leaving the back door unlocked. [the plan includes blaming Token for the murder] You guys come into the house at 10:30 p.m. sharp, having given me enough time to get down to Perkins to be seen by everyone there. And then all four of you go upstairs to kill my mom. |
| Stan: | Dude, we're not killing your mom. |
| Cartman: | Well I can't kill her. I'm too obvious a suspect. Now, when you reach her room, Butters will keep a lookout while Kenny opens the bedroom door, Kyle puts a pillow over my mom's head, and Stan shoots her in the face. |
| Stan: | Where am I supposed to get a gun? |
| Cartman: | Well I don't know. That's your job, Stan! Do I have to think of everything here?! |
| Stan: | I'm not shooting anybody. |
| Cartman: | Okay, fine. Butters, you cover my mom's head with a pillow and Kyle can shoot her in the face. |
| Kyle: | NO, Cartman! |
| Cartman: | Oh! Well how about I do everything?! How does that sound?! I'll just do everything while you guys sit here and play video games?! [the boys ignore him. He gets pissed off and walks away with the easel] Fine! I'll do it by myself! |
| [Cartman's house, night, the master bedroom. Liane is sleeping in her bed. The door cracks open and light enters the room. A silhouette of Cartman and a sharp object rises from the floor. Cartman walks in with a roll of paper towels in his left hand and a large kitchen knife in his right hand. He climbs the bed and stands over her.] | |
| Cartman: | You forced me to do this! You couldn't just love me as a son. [Liane moves a bit] You just had to humiliate and degrade me with your rules. I won't let you dominate my life anymore! [he moves the knife to a stabbing position] Goodbye, Mother. [about to deliver the fatal stab, he trembles for a few seconds, but his conscience gets a hold of him. Cartman relaxes a bit] |
| Cartman's Conscience: | Wait. Maybe I don't have the right to kill my mom. |
| Cartman: | [shakes it off] No! She's my mom, I can do whatever I want with her! It's more important that I live the way I want! |
| Cartman's Good Side: | She isn't an object you can own. She's a human being. |
| Cartman: | She isn't an object I can own. Sh-she's a human being. |
| Cartman's Bad Side: | No, she's just... out to make you suffer! |
| Cartman: | Ugh. Eh. Maybe all these changes are good for me. Maybe... |
| Cartman's Good Side: | The world doesn't revolve around me? |
| Cartman: | [hops off the bed, dropping the knife and roll of paper as he heads for the door] Maybe the world doesn't revolve around me. [stops and vomits some pretty black stuff. Could be the evil in him] |
| Cartman's Good Side: | The world doesn't revolve around me! |
| Cartman's Bad Side: | Idiot! [Cartman pounds the floor and gets up. For a moment he turns into a snowy screen, then into a red silhouette, snowy screen, back and forth as he fights his sides leaving his mom's room and going to his. At his door he turns into a blob, which is added to the silhouette and screen effects until he passes out in the hallway] |
| [Morning at the Cartman house. Liane has showered and dressed, and enters the room with the knife and roll of paper towels Cartman left in her room the night before. She's wondering how they got there. She might have asked Cartman how they got into her room, but she's more shocked by what she sees next. Cartman is at the table doing his math homework and eating breakfast at the same time, quietly] | |
| Liane: | Why Eric, you made your own breakfast. |
| Cartman: | Yeah Mom, it's okay. It's grapefruit and lean han. |
| Liane: | And you're studying before school? |
| Cartman: | Well, you told me I had to review my homework before class started. |
| Liane: | [a tear escapes her left eye] Oh, Eric. I'm very proud of you. |
| Cartman: | Tha... thank you? |
| Liane: | I love you, sweetie. |
| Cartman: | 'K Mom, you're embarrassing me, jeez. [the doorbell rings and Liane goes to answer the door] |
| Liane: | Cesar. I'm so happy you're back. |
| Cesar: | How is the child doing? |
| Liane: | Oh, he's amazing. I think the change in personality happened. He's doing things for himself now, and he seems to be accepting it. I've lost a best friend, but I've gained a son. |
| Cesar: | That's much healthier for him, and when he gets older he'll be able to be your friend too. |
| Liane: | You're the best, Cesar, and to show my gratitude I've got two tickets for you and me to see Madame Butterfly this Friday night. |
| Cesar: | Well no, my work is done. I've got to get back to Los Angeles. |
| Liane: | Oh... But I thought we were becoming friends. |
| Cesar: | No, not really. You're just a client. Well, good luck to you. Gotta go. [turns around and walks away. Cartman shows up soon after] |
| Cartman: | I cleared up the table, Mom. I'm gonna go upstairs and make my bed now. [waits a bit, then turns to go to his room. Liane turns around] |
| Liane: | Eric, how would you like to go with me to see Madame Butterfly Friday night? |
| Cartman: | No, that's okay. Besides, I told Stan and Kyle we could work on our science project then. |
| Liane: | Well, what if I took you to Kentucky Fried Chicken afterward? [Cartman blinks, Liane genuflects] And then we'll go to Target and buy you a Mega Ranger. |
| Cartman: | Could I... perhaps have... two Mega Rangers? |
| Liane: | [hugs him] Yes, darling. You can have whatever you want. [A beatific smile appears on Cartman's face. Cartman has his mom back, all his and his alone, and he likes it.] |
| [End of Tsst.] |