| [Bus Stop] | ||
| Kyle: | Hey, where's the school bus? We're gonna be late for football practice. [a dog walks up to the boys] | |
| Stan: | Hiya, Sparky. | |
| Kyle: | [looking] Who's that? | |
| Stan: | That's my new dog Sparky. He followed me to the bus stop. | |
| Kyle: | Wow! Cool! | |
| Stan: | Good dog, Sparky. Who's my best buddy? Who's the boy? Who's the buddy? | |
| Cartman: | Eh. You're making me sick, dude. | |
| Stan: | He's part Doberman and part wolf. He's the toughest dog on the mountain. | |
| Cartman: | No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park. | |
| Sylvester: | Arrrrrr | |
| Stan: | He's not meaner than Sparky. | |
| Cartman: | Oh yeah, let's see. Hey, Sylvester. [he comes over] | |
| Stan: | Sparky'll kick his ass. | |
| Cartman: | I'll put a dollar on Sylvester. | |
| Kyle: | You're on, dude. [Sylvester starts after Sparky. Both dogs growl] | |
| Stan: | That's it, Sparky! Kick his ass! [Sparky lunges after Sylvester and out of view. Aggresive panting can be heard. The boys stand there, shocked] | |
| Cartman: | Heh, he's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass. | |
| Stan: | Sparky, bad dog! | |
| Kenny: | (Oh my God, I think they're screwing.) | |
| Stan: | What?! | |
| Cartman: | Yeah dude, I think your dog is gay. | |
| Stan: | What do you mean? | |
| Cartman: | That dog is a gay homosexual. | |
| Stan: | [looks back to study the situation, then …] He's just confused. | |
| Kyle: | I think the other dog's the one that's confused. | |
| Kenny: | (No, check his penis) [Kyle smiles] | |
| Stan: | Sick, shut up dude. [Sparky pants happily while Sylvester slinks away] | |
| Cartman: | Stan's dog's a homo. Stan's dog's a homo. [the bus pulls up] | |
| [Football Field, sideline] | ||
| Chef: | Okay children, I know that you're all extremely excited and nervous and anxious about the homecoming game against the Middle Park. | |
| Kyle: | Who's Middle Park? | |
| Cartman: | What's homecoming? | |
| Chef: | But just remember what I taught you. That football is like making love to a reeeeeally beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worthwhile. [Silence] Now, let's start practice. [blows his whistle, and the kids hit the field] | |
| Pip: | Uh, Mr. Chef sir? | |
| Chef: | Yes Pip, what is it? | |
| Pip: | Well, I still don't have a helmet. | |
| Chef: | I know Pip, the school can't afford helmets for everybody. | |
| Pip: | Yes, but, couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet every week? Does it always have to be me? | |
| Chef: | Yes Pip, I'm afraid it does. | |
| Pip: | Oh. | |
| Chef: | Sorry son, now get your ass in there. | |
| [On the playing field] | ||
| Stan: | Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut--hut. hut. hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut. | |
| Chef: | [impatiently] Hike the damn ball! [Cartman hikes the ball over Stan's head. Stan chases it down. Kyle runs into Pip, opening a major gash on Pip's head.] | |
| Pip: | Aaaaaaaargh! | |
| Jimbo: | [arriving with Ned] Hey, how's practice coming there Chef? | |
| Chef: | [distracted] Huh? Oh fine, fine. | |
| Jimbo: | I don't have to remind you just how important this game is to us South Park Alumni. | |
| Chef: | Elementary school alumni? | |
| Jimbo: | That's as far as most of us got. You think we have a shot at beating the spread against Middle Park this year? | |
| Chef: | I don't know. Wwha, what's the spread? | |
| Jimbo: | Middle Park by 70 points. | |
| Chef: | Hmmm. [looks towards the field, where Kenny tackles Cartman, causing him to drop the ball] I don't think we have a chance. | |
| Jimbo: | Nonsense! Not with my nephew at quarterback. Right Stanley? | |
| Stan: | [turning to see his uncle just as Cartman hikes] Huh? [the ball hits him on the side of the head. He picks it up and throws to Kyle] | |
| Jimbo: | Thatta boy. | |
| Chef: | Great pass Stan. | |
| Jimbo: | Come on Ned, we gotta get our asses to the bookie. | |
| [On sideline after practice] | ||
| Chef: | Okay. That was a good practice children. We'll see you here again tomorrow. | |
| Kyle: | Hey Stan, isn't that your dog? | |
| Stan: | Yeah, he must have followed me to football practice. You see, he is smart. | |
| Clyde: | Ah, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time. | |
| Stan: | Yeah, but my dog found his own way here. That makes him smarter than your- [Sees Sparky lunge after Rex] Sparky, get down! | |
| Clyde: | Oh my God! What is he doing to my dog? | |
| Cartman: | There he goes again. | |
| Stan: | Get down Sparky! Down! | |
| Cartman: | Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual. | |
| Clyde: | Make him stop! | |
| Rex: | [moving away with his tail between his legs] Yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe! | |
| Fosse: | [passes by laughing, with Bill] I'm sure glad my dog isn't gay. | |
| Bill: | Yeah, maybe you should name your dog Sparkette, Stan. | |
| Fosse: | Gay dog. [The bullies walk away laughing, while Sparky walks up panting] | |
| [Mr. Garrison's Classroom. Football practice must have been in the morning] | ||
| Cartman: | …And so you see, Simon & Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Thank you for that presentation Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a "D-". | |
| Cartman: | Ah, damnit! | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Who should we call on next Mr. Hat? | |
| Mr. Hat: | Well, how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star? | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Oh, good idea. Okay Stanley, you're next. | |
| Stan: | Um, I'm not really prepared either. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Well, just make something up, like Eric did. | |
| Stan: | Okay, uh. Asian culture has, plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it- | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Excellent. "A-". | |
| Cartman: | Eeyy! | |
| Stan: | Wow, cool! | |
| Cartman: | Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an "A-"? | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star athletes better 'cause they're better people. | |
| Cartman: | That's not fair! | |
| Mr. Hat: | Life isn't fair kiddo, get used to it. | |
| Cartman: | Stupid puppet. [Dismissal bell rings] | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Don't forget your assignments tonight children, they're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan. | |
| Stan: | [as everyone leaves] Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question? | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Well of course Stanley, what is it? | |
| Stan: | What's a - homosexual? | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Hoh, well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person. Sit down. [Stan sits] Stanley, gay people…well- gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Naziesque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand? | |
| Stan: | I guess. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk Stanley. Now you go outside and practice football like a good little heterosexual. | |
| [Bus stop. The kids get off the bus] | ||
| Cartman: | You guys see me block that defense today, I was kicking ass. | |
| Kyle: | You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the Cowboys. | |
| Cartman: | Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog. | |
| Stan: | Shut up dude! [Sparky comes up panting with a pink scarf on] Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf? | |
| Sparky: | Bark, bark. | |
| Cartman: | Man, that is the gayest dog I've ever seen. | |
| Stan: | He just needs some training, that's all. Sit Sparky. [Sparky sits] Good boy, now shake. [Sparky shakes.] Goood boy. Now, don't be gay. [waiting for the comand to sink in] Don't be gay Spark. Don't be gay. [Sparky looks at Stan with confusion and growls] | |
| Kyle: | Did it work? | |
| Stan: | I don't know. | |
| Cartman: | He still looks pretty gay to me. | |
| Bill: | Huh, huh. | |
| Fosse: | Hey Stan, your dog been to any Pride marches lately? | |
| Bill: | Huh huh, meh, yeah, maybe you should take him to a Barbara Streisand concert. [They laugh] Stupid little gay dog. | |
| Fosse: | Gay dog. | |
| Stan: | Come on you guys, I have an idea. | |
|
||
|---|---|---|
| [Ned and Jimbo enter. Two big-screen monitors show horse races. One of the five smaller screens above show a race as well] | ||
|
||
| Jimbo: | I want $500 on the South Park Cows. | |
| Bookie: | Are you crazy? | |
| Jimbo: | No siree. I'm telling you, I got the line. My nephew Stan is the best quarterback the school has ever seen. I guarantee they'll beat the spread. | |
| Gambler 1: | I want to put all my money on the Cows. | |
| Gambler 2: | Duh, duh, I think I'll put 300 on the Cows too. | |
| Gambler 3: | Hey, I want to put some money on the Cows too. | |
| Lady Gambler 1: | I got 500 on the Cows. | |
| Lady Gambler 2: | Well, I'll put my money on the Cows. | |
| Jimbo: | Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get too carried away now, Iiii. | |
| Gambler 4: | You better be right about this Jimbo. | |
| Jimbo: | Hehe, yeah. Don't, don't worry yourself. | |
| Ned: | Are you sure Stan is that good? | |
| Jimbo: | Not that sure. I think we better come up with a backup plan. Uhh, let's see here. Hey, bookie! Wha, what's the halftime show gonna be? | |
| Bookie: | You haven't heard?! John Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing Loving You. | |
| Ned: | I love that song. | |
| Jimbo: | Loving You? That's perfect! Come on Ned, Middle Park's gonna get a Halftime show they'll never forget. | |
| [In front of Stan's house, a large crate sits next to the kids.] | ||
| Stan: | Okay Sparky, we got you a present. Now why don't- [notices a pink scarf on Sparky] Damn it Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?! [grabs the scarf] No pink bandanas Sparky, bad dog! Now pay attention. Sparky, this is Fifi. [the crate opens and Fifi, a French poodle, comes out] | |
| Kyle: | Oolala [Fifi sniffs some. Sparky starts following her] | |
| Cartman: | There he goes. | |
| Stan: | Atta boy Spark, get her. [Sparky goes for it] Yes! [Sparky throws Fifi's collar into the air, catching it on his neck.] Ah crap! Now what do I do? | |
| Kyle: | Who cares if your dog is gay? Maybe it's not that bad. | |
| Cartman: | No way dude, my mom says God hates gay people. That's why he smote those sodomies in France. | |
| Kenny: | (I think that Garrison said that gay people suck) | |
| Stan: | I know Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil, but, but Sparky doesn't seem evil. | |
| Kyle: | Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask somebody else. | |
| Stan: | Like who? | |
| [Inside Stan's house, Jesus and Pals' title screen is on TV] | ||
| TV Announcer: | And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access. | |
| Jesus: | Yea, many of you are seeking answers, and I am the way for you my children. Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions … Hello caller, you're on the air. [Beep] | |
| Robert: | Yeah, is, is this Jesus? | |
| Jesus: | Yes my son. | |
| Robert: | This, this is Robert from Torrey Pines. I called last week asking for advice on my ex-wife. | |
| Jesus: | Of course Robert. How are things now? | |
| Robert: | Well, every, everything's much better Jesus. She hasn't mouthed off since. I just wanted to thank you for the advice. Oh, and for, for dying for my sins, that was really nice of you. | |
| Jesus: | Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller, you're on the air. [Beep] | |
| Stan: | Uh, hi, Jesus. I, I have a dog, and he's a, he's a homosexual. | |
| Jesus: | My son, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on homosexuality is. So I'd like to state once and for all, my true opinion. You see- | |
| TV Announcer: | [the station's logo pops up] That's all the time we've left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews. | |
| Stan: | Damn it! | |
| Kyle: | What'd he say? | |
| Stan: | I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews. | |
| Cartman: | Oh, Marty's Movie Reviews are on, kiick ass! | |
| Stan: | Isn't there anybody who can help me? Isn't there anybody who cares? | |
| Kyle: | Come on dude, we have to get to practice. | |
| Stan: | No, it's not okay! I don't want a gay dog! [outside, Sparky overhears this] I want a butch dog! I want a Rin-tin-tin! [Sparky grouses, digs a hole, and makes his way out of the yard. He wanders into the mountains, looks back once more, and is gone] | |
| [On the sideline at practice] | ||
| Chef: |
Now children, we've got to handle the ball better. You got to hold your football like you hold your lover. [Music starts] Gently…yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh yeah! [Sinks into the mood.]
Just like makin' sweet love to the football. |
|
| Kyle: | Uh, Chef? | |
| Chef: | Spank it, ever so gently. | |
| Kyle: | Chef. | |
| Chef: | Spank it. | |
| Kyle: | Chef! | |
| Chef: | Oh, uhuhh, sorry children. Uhuh, let's run some plays. | |
| Pip: | Uh, Mr. Chef sir? | |
| Chef: | No Pip, we still don't have a helmet for you. | |
| Pip: | Righto, but how about I use a helmet today, and one of the other children goes without? | |
| Chef: | That wouldn't be very fair to the other children, now would it? | |
| Pip: | No um, I guess not. | |
|
||
| Jimbo: | What we'll have to do here Carl is put a trigger on that bomb that makes it go off at a specific moment during halftime. | |
| Carl: | What moment would that be? | |
| Jimbo: | Well, John Stamos' older brother is all set to sing 'Loving You' during halftime. We want that bomb to go off when he hits that high F. | |
| Carl: | What high F? | |
| Jimbo: | You know, Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo…Aaaaah | |
| Carl: | Right, right, so you want the trigger on the doo-nn-doo. | |
| Jimbo: | No, damnit! The Aaaaah. | |
| Carl: | Aaaaahh. | |
| Ned: | Aaaaahh. | |
| Jimbo: | Aaaaahh. | |
| Carl: | Aaaaahh. | |
| Jimbo: | Great, we… | |
| Carl: | Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo - Aaah. | |
| Ned: | Doo-nn-doo-doo | |
| Jimbo: | You got it… | |
| Carl: | Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo… | |
| Ned: | aaa - dooo | |
| Jimbo: | Aaaaahh. | |
| Carl: | Alright, yeah, okay… | |
| [On the sideline at practice] | ||
| Chef: | What's the matter Stan, you seem down. | |
| Stan: | I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay. | |
| Chef: | Well, you know what they say: you can't teach a gay dog straight tricks. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | [coming up to see what's the matter] Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda. | |
| Chef: | Say what?! You of all people should be sympathetic. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | What do you mean? | |
| Chef: | Well, you're gay aren't you? | |
| Mr. Garrison: | What?! What the hell are you talking about?! I am not gay. | |
| Chef: | Well, you sure do act like it. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | I just act that way to get chicks, dumb ass. [Chef looks puzzled, wondering] | |
| [On the field] | ||
| Kyle: | [running up from behind] What's the matter dude? | |
| Stan: | I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice. | |
| Cartman: | Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants. [Stan punches him] Ow! | |
| [Snowy mountains. Sparky is trekking throught the snow, stops, and looks around. A floating castle nears him] | ||
|
||
| Big Gay Al: | Hello there little pup, I'm Big Gay Al. [Sparky looks at him] Have you been outcast? [Sparky pants an affirmative] Well, then I'm so glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. We're all big gay friends here. Would you like to live with us? [Sparky pants an affirmative] Come on in little fellow, nobody will ever oppress you here. | |
| [Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman are at the Bus Stop. Stan walks up] | ||
| Stan: | Have you guys seen Sparky, he still hasn't come back. | |
| Kyle: | Wow, it's been like two days. | |
| Stan: | I think he might've run away. | |
| Cartman: | Did you check the shopping ma- [Stan punches him] Ow! | |
| Kyle: | We'll help you look for him after the game Stan. | |
| Stan: | I'm not playing. | |
| Kyle: | You what?! | |
| Stan: | I'm not playing in that stupid game. I have to find my dog. [leaves] | |
|
||
| Jimbo: | [Whisper] Come on Ned, and keep quiet. | |
| Ned: | [Louder] Okay [They climb over the fence and go to…] | |
|
||
| Jimbo: | Hello there, Enrique. | |
| Ned: | What are we doing here? | |
| Jimbo: | Well Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're gonna booby-trap it instead. [puts bomb on Enrique's back] And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in Loving You, Boom! [Enrique gets wide-eyed] No more Middle Park players. [Enrique starts to tremble] | |
| Ned: | Hahahahaha. Hahahahaha. | |
| Jimbo: | [laughs] God damn, I love football! | |
| [Stormy mountains] | ||
| Stan: | Sparky! Where are you?! Where could he be? | |
| [South Park Elementary.] | ||
| Cowboys: | [exiting the bus] Kill that Ken! Kill that Ken! | |
| [South Park Football Field. The bleachers are filled with fans decked out in COWS! gear. Even Ike is wearing a GO COWS shirt and bouncing about.] | ||
| Frank Hammond: | Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900, Welcome to tonight's matchup between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows. [pounds the table, and Phil's mike falls over. He scans the sidelines] Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach looks a little nervous. This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up. | |
| Chef: | [between his teeth] Oohh, come on Stan. | |
| Pip: | Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stanley doesn't show up, can I use his helmet? | |
| Chef: | No Pip, I'm sorry! | |
| [Stormy mountains] | ||
| Stan: | Sparky! Sparky! | |
| [South Park Football Field, first quarter. The game is about to begin] | ||
| Referee: | Play ball. | |
| Chef: | You're gonna have to quarterback, Kyle. | |
| Kyle: | But I never practiced quarterback. | |
| Chef: | It's a little late for that bullcrap now. | |
| Frank: | Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broflovski. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Heyhey, where is little Stanley? | |
| Mr. Hat: | Yeah, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing quarterback? | |
| Jimbo: | Ned, look. [Middle Park's mascot is shown] They've got Enrique on their sideline, and it looks like that bomb's still attached. | |
| Ned: | Yay. | |
| [Stan follows his dog's footprints and finds himself facing Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary] | ||
| Big Gay Al: | Hi little fella, how are you doing today? | |
| Stan: | Fine, how are you? | |
| Big Gay Al: | I'm super, thanks for asking. | |
| Stan: | My gay dog ran away, and I was wondering if maybe he came here. | |
| Big Gay Al: | Well, let's see. Come on in. Hmm. [they enter] | |
| Stan: | D'you have lots of gay dogs here? | |
| Big Gay Al: | We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we have a gay lion. [and three gay bunnies] | |
| Gay Lion: | Rooaar | |
| Big Gay Al: | And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds, here's a gaggle of gay gooses. Hi fellas, it's so super to see you! | |
| Stan: | Wow, seems like the animals here are really happy. | |
| Big Gay Al: | Of course they are, silly buns. It's the one place where gay animals can really be themselves. Would you like to dance? [They enter the techno-dance floor as disco music plays. Animals pour in to dance, even a dolphin on its tail] | |
| Vocalist: | Oww, we can both be gay! | |
| [In the huddle. The Cows win the coin toss] | ||
| Kyle: | Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it at something. Ready?! | |
| Huddle: | Break! | |
| [At the line of scrimmage] | ||
| Cowboy 1: | You guys are toast. | |
| Cowboy 2: | Yeah, we're gonna pound your heads in. | |
| Cartman: | We'll just see about that. | |
| Kyle: | Set, set. [Cartman farts long and nasty. Kyle quickly retreats] Damn it Cartman! | |
| Chef: | What's the matter? | |
| Kyle: | Cartman farted! | |
| Cartman: | No I didn't. That was just my shoes. | |
| Chef: | Come on, Cows. We'll get a delay of game penalty. | |
| Kyle: | No way dude! | |
| Chef: | Hike the ball. | |
| Kyle: | [back in position, with his shirt covering his nose.] Ah, dude, weak. | |
| Cartman: | That's right, you get back there. | |
| Kyle: | Hut. | |
| Frank: | The ball is snapped. Middle Park blitzes. [Screaming as Kyle is tackled] Fumble, Middle Park gets the ball…they run it in for a TOUCHDOWN! The score is 7-nothing Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter. | |
| Jimbo: | Hell's bells. | |
| Frank: | Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King. | |
| Phil: | [quickly covers the mike] Now Frank, that's not very PC. You're gonna get us in trouble again. | |
| Frank: | Right, right, uh. I gotta watch that. | |
| Townsman 1: | We lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna hang you up to dry, Jimbo. | |
| Jimbo: | Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime, hehe. | |
| [Big Gay Al's dance floor] | ||
| Vocalist: | …both be gay. [Stan is gettin' down with a monkey, then sees Sparky] |
|
| Stan: | Sparky! Hiya Sparky, how's it goin'? | |
| Sparky: | Ruff. | |
| Stan: | I missed you old pal, you really had me scared. | |
| Sparky: | Barr. | |
| Stan: | Come on, let's go home. I can still make it in time for the game. [Sparky follows Stan] We can work on making you not gay together. [Sparky stops and sits] Sparky? | |
| Big Gay Al: | Young man, it appears you still don't understand. | |
| Stan: | What don't I understand? | |
| Big Gay Al: | Come this way, I have to show you something. | |
| [South Park Football Field, second quarter] | ||
| Frank: | With just over a minute to go in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows 0. | |
| Kyle: | Hut, hut. [Cartman snaps the ball to Kyle. The Cowboys blitz. Kyle flips the ball back to Pip, who is still without a helmet. The Cowboys players descend on him as soon as he catches the ball] | |
| Frank: | Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant. | |
| Phil: | [muffling Frank] Dude! Now that is not cool. | |
| Frank: | Sorry, sorry. | |
| [Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride] | ||
| Big Gay Al: | Okay Stan, I think you should get in line for my Big Gay Boat Ride. [Stan looks at the boat] Step aboard, Stanley. [does so, with Sparky] Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride. On this adventure we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time. | |
| [South Park Football Field. South Park's final drive before the halftime show] | ||
| Frank: | And the South Park Cows are set to receive… [Cowboys kick off] There's the kick. It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick. [weaves through the special teams] He's at the 50, the 40, the 30. | |
| Cowboys: | Hold him, hold him! [Two of them take hold of Kenny's arms] Hold him, hold him! | |
| Cowboy: | Yaaah! [A Third Cowboy dives in, taking Kenny's head off, as the other two sever Kenny's arms.] | |
| Frank: | The running back is down. I think he's… [Rats come in to devour Kenny's corpse.] Yes, he's been decapitated. | |
| Kyle: | Wha-? Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You Bastards! | |
| Phil: | That's gotta hurt, Frank. | |
| Frank: | How terue! | |
| Chef: | Hey, come on. That was roughing. At least let us scrape him off the field. | |
| Frank: | Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even gonna beat the 72 point spread. Not by a long shot. | |
| [Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride] | ||
| Big Gay Al: | You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of time. From the Egyptian pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan. [they cross swords] Uh oh, look out, it's the oppressors. Christians and Republicans and Nazis, oh my! [fires off a shot with his revolver] Ohhh! Oh God, that was close. Okay, let's steer our Big Gay Boat out of here and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely. [Doors open to reveal a scene right out of 'It's a Small World.'] | |
| Boat Ride Singers: | We're all gay, and it's okay 'cause gay means happy and happy means gay. We're not sad anymore, cause we're out the closet door. It's okay, hey, to be gay! |
|
| Big Gay Al: | Sooo, what do you think Stan? [It's okay to be gay…] | |
| Stan: | This kicks ass! I'm sorry I tried to change you Spark, I just didn't understand. [It's okay to be gay. Shalala Waylaylay Shalala Waylaylay It's okay to be gay.] | |
| Big Gay Al: | Isn't this precious? | |
| [South Park Football Field. Halftime] | ||
| Frank: | And now, here to sing the touching song, Loving You is the one and only, John Stamos' brother… | |
| Jimbo: | Alright Richard! | |
| Richard: | [Music starts up] Loving you is easy cause you're beautiful - doo-n-doo--doo-doooo-- Aaaaa [his voice cracks and the music stops] Aaaaa |
|
| Jimbo: | What the hell?! | |
| Richard: | Aaaaa [his voice wavers] | |
| Jimbo: | He didn't sing the high F. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Richard Stamos can't sing a high F, he always screws it up like this | |
| Jimbo: | Ned, we are going to get our asses kicked. | |
| Richard: | Lalalalala … | |
| Mr. Garrison: | It's obvious where all the talent in that family went! | |
| [Outside of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary] | ||
| Stan: | Thanks for everything Big Gay Al! | |
| Sparky: | Ruff! | |
| Big Gay Al: | No problem kids. Are you sure you don't wanna stay for some toasted cheese sandwiches? | |
| Stan: | No thanks, I've gotta get back for the big football game. Come on boy! [they start to walk off] | |
| Big Gay Al: | Oh Stan? [they halt] When you get back to town, [earnest music plays] tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes, desperately. | |
| Stan: | I will Big Gay Al, I will. [they depart] | |
| Big Gay Al: | Ooh, my carrot cake! [rushes inside] | |
| [South Park Football Field, fourth quarter] | ||
| Kyle: | Hike! | |
| Frank: | And these South Park Cows are being absolutely [thump] molested by Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children molested since… | |
| Mr. Garrison: | I thought you said beating the spread was a sure thing Jimbo. | |
| Mr. Hat: | Yeah, we all put our life savings in this game | |
| Townsman: | You're a dead man Jimbo [A hail of food products is thrown at uncle Jimbo.] | |
| Frank: | Well, this should just about wrap it up for- [Stan and Sparky come on to the field.] Wait a minute, what's this? | |
| Jimbo: | Yeah!!! | |
| Crowd Member: | Yohooooh. | |
| Frank: | It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback! | |
| Chef: | Where the hell have you been Stan?! | |
| Stan: | I've been getting my best friend back. | |
| Chef: | Just get in there boy! | |
| Jimbo: | Give 'em hell Stanley! [Stan takes his place] Jesus, now I haven't asked you for much, but all we need is one little score. Please? Please, Jesus? | |
| Jesus: | [in the first row] Leave me alone. | |
| Stan: | Hike | |
| Frank: | Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass. | |
| Kyle: | Hey Stan, Ah-I'm open, I think. | |
| Stan: | Mph. | |
| Frank: | And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid. | |
| Kyle: | Oof. [runs towards the end zone, panting, Cowboys hot on his trail.] | |
| Frank: | Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938! | |
| Phil: | Dude! [Frank recoils. The crowd cheers as Kyle scores] | |
| Frank: | Touchdown! | |
| Jimbo: | Yeah! | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Wooo! | |
| Frank: | The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6. South Park beats the spread! [swats his mike away] | |
| Jimbo: | Yeah! Woohoo! | |
| [Postgame press conference. Stan gets on stage by scoreboard] | ||
| Townsman: | Speech! | |
| Frank: | Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory? | |
| Stan: | Uh. It, it's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys. | |
| Crowd: | Yeah, alright! | |
| Stan: | And maybe - we can beat 'em even more next year! | |
| Crowd: | Woooo | |
| Stan: | And it's okay to be gay! [The crowd falls silent] | |
| Jimbo: | What?! | |
| Stan: | Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful thing. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | What the hell is he talking about?! | |
| Frank: | Uhh, Stanley, you arrived very late in the game, where were you that whole time? | |
| Stan: | I was with my new friend, Big Gay Al. He showed me his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary, and took me on a Big Gay Boat Ride, where I learned all about the wonders of gaiety. [The crowd looks at Stan in disbelief] It's true, I'll show you. | |
| [At the site of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary] | ||
| Stan: | But it was here. It was all right here. The, there was a techno dance club. | |
| Cartman: | Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright, seriously. I'm worried about you man. [missing animals suddenly appear] | |
| Townswoman: | Oliver, I thought you ran away all those months ago. | |
| Townsperson 1: | Sidney! | |
| Townsperson 2: | Willy! | |
| Townsperson 3: | Carlos! | |
| Big Gay Al: | [suddenly at Stanley's side] I want to thank you so much for bringing everybody here. | |
| Stan: | Oh, there you are dude. How's it going? | |
| Big Gay Al: | I'm super, thanks for asking. It looks like now my work here is done. [pops his suitcase open and climbs into it] Goodbye Stanley, peace be with you. [presses a button, and the suitcase closes] | |
| Stan: | Wow! [The suitcase flies off. Al really was a fairy.] | |
| Richard: | You guys, you guys! I can do it. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Do what? | |
| Richard: | Loving you is easy cause you're beautiful doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-dooo |
|
| Jimbo: | No! | |
| Richard: | Aaah | |
| Enrique: | Mroo-[Boom!] | |
| [End of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride] |