|
[A mountain pass. Ms. Crabtree is driving the kids somewhere and is going up a hill. The kids are having a grand old time running around and tossing paper airplanes. Cartman has an entire two-tiered chocolate cake on his laps. And a fork] |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
BE QUIET BACK THERRE! THESE ROADS ARE SLIICK! |
| Stan: |
Hey, Cartman! |
| Cartman: |
What? |
| Stan: |
Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us? |
| Cartman: |
[finishes a bite] Hmmm, let me see. No! |
| Kyle: |
Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway! |
| Cartman: |
Mmm. It's chocolaty and delightful. |
| Stan: |
Give us some, Cartman! |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
[turns around] BE QUIET BACK THERRE! |
| Kyle: |
Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there. |
| Stan: |
Dude, the road is always snowy. |
| Kyle: |
I know, but, it's really snowy today. |
| Cartman: |
[now baiting] Mmm. I can't possibly finish this whoole cake. Oh, yes I can. [resumes eating] |
| Stan: |
Shut up, Cartman! |
| Ms. Crabtree |
[slams the brakes on, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny] Okay, that does it! Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies! [points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving] |
| Stan: |
Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would. |
| Kyle: |
Oh, she would, dude. She would. [the bus comes to a halt at a road block] |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
GOODD!
OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
[She starts up the bus and takes the detour]
|
| Stan: |
Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now. |
| Cartman: |
[exhausted] I can not possibly eat one more bite of its chocolaty goodness. Oh, but but but, but I'll try. |
| Kyle: |
Dammit, Cartman, you are such a fat fuck! |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
[spins around] WHAT DID YOU SAY?! [turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn]
Whoa oh. [she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill]
Hold oonn! Aaaaa! [the kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down] |
| Kids: |
Aaaah! |
| Kyle: |
I'm scared! |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
BE QUIET, KID! |
|
[the kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down the river - and over a waterfall, straight down] |
| All: |
Aaaah! |
|
[A bird sanctuary next to the river. A guide is taking a couple bird-watching] |
| Guide: |
…Aand right up here you can see a red-bellied chickadee. They're indigenous to this area. [walks forward. The husband takes a piture of the chickadee. They don't see it, but the bus falls past them] |
| The Kids: |
Aaaah! |
| Wife: |
What was that? |
| Guide: |
[turns] What was what? |
|
[At the foot of the waterfall. The bus plunges into the water and bobs up facing backwards.] |
| All: |
Aaaah-! |
|
[It is carried further down until the river bends. Then the bus is washed up onto the river bank, on the other side of which is a cliff. The bus teeters on the precipice] |
| Cartman: |
All done! |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! [Cartman takes his seat, but leaves the cake tin on the floor. The rest of the kids moan and groan, and they are strewn all over the bus] I SAID 'QUIET,' OR ELSE I KILL THE BUNNY! [the bunny and gun are out again, and the kids shut up] |
| Stan: |
Where are we? |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
I have no idea. |
| Stan: |
I don't think we're in a very safe spot. |
| Kyle: |
Yeah, what are we supposed to do? |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Just keep your trap shut. I'll consult the manual. [reaches for it and leafs through until she gets to]
| STRANDED |
SEE VIDEO
TAPE #35 |
[She tosses the book away and reaches for the videotape drawer]
|
| Cartman: |
Ms. Crabtree? |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
SHUT UP, KIID! I HAVE TO WATCH A TRAINING VIDEO! |
| Trainer: |
[the video starts] Welcome to tape 7 of the bus driver's video guidebook. What to do if you become stranded. By now you've calmed down the children and kept order by using the 'keep quiet or I'll kill the bunny' technique. Now, it's time to get help. The most important thing to remember is that the children will be safe as long as they stay on the bus. So do not, under any circumstances, let any children off the bus. The best way to achieve this is to tell them something like, 'A big scary monster will eat you if you step off the bus.' |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
KIIDS, DO NOT GET OFF THIS BUS. IF YOU DO A BIG SCARY MONSTER WILL EAT YOU! |
| Trainer: |
That's right. With the children properly subdued, you can leave the bus and go out looking for assistance. And remember your bur driver's code: 'Sit down. And shut up!' |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
I'm goin' for help. Ah'll be back as soon as I cane. Remember. Don't get off this bus, or a big scary monster WILL EAT YOU! [gets off the bus and walks down the river bank. The bus teeters a bit] |
| Boy In The Red Shirt: |
Hey, why doesn't the scary monster eat her? |
| Kyle: |
'Cause, dombass, scary monsters don't eat big fat smelly bitches! |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
WHAT DID YOU SAY?! |
| Kyle: |
I said, 'Larry King won't grant me three wishes.' |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Oh. |
| Kyle: |
Dude, this is not good! She could've at least kept the heat on. |
|
[A roadside. Ms. Crabtree has found a vertical path leading down to the road and climbs down some large boulders] |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Had to happen to me, didn't it? [reaches the curb and puts out a thumb] |
| Truck Driver: |
Lookin' for love in all the wrong places
Lookin' for love in too-
[sees Ms. Crabtree, then lowers the mirror and sets his hair] Whoa uhih, it's supper time. Come to poppa. [stops his rig and lowers the passenger window] Whoa uh heh hello, little lady-yeh. Goin' my way?
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
SHUT UP AND HELP ME INTO THIS THIING! |
| Truck Driver: |
Whoa. Hehum huh. |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
[grunts] Yeah! [now seated] COME ON! I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY! |
| Truck Driver: |
Uh huh. Alright, sure, of course. [checks out her legs and grins] |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
TAKE ME TO THE NEAREST TOWN AND MAKE IT SNAPPY, YOU FREAK-ASS CRACKPOT! |
| Truck Driver: |
Uuuh, yeh, yes ma'am. Righta right away, ma'am. [starts up the truck] So uh… Uhwhat's a- fragile little doe like yourself doin' out on a, on a night like this? |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
LLOOK, MISTER, I GOT A BUSLOAD OF KIDS TRAPPED UP ON THAT PASS! I NEED A CRANE, HELICOPTERS, ALL THAT CRAP! HERE, LET ME HAVE SOME O' YOUR ASPIRIN! [takes a couple] |
| Truck Driver: |
Uh uh- ma'am, those are actually roofies. |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
ROOFIES, ASPIRIN, RIGHT NOW I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS! [the drive is quite happy right now] HOW FAR TO THE NEAREST TOOWWN?! |
| Truck Driver: |
Mm-… mm-it's a ways. |
|
[Next day, and the bus is still there] |
| Cartman: |
You guys. What if Ms. Crabtree doesn't come back, and we're all trapped here forever. |
| Kids: |
[gasp, then individually] What? Huh? |
| Kyle: |
We couldn't get trapped here forever, Cartman. We'd die after a couple of days. [the others gasp] |
| Stan: |
Dude! |
| Kyle: |
What? |
| Cartman: |
I don't wanna die on this- bus with you assholes! [panics] You guys suck! |
| Stan: |
Would you just relax? We've been in a lot worse situations than this and come out of it just fine. |
| Kyle: |
Worse than this? |
| Stan: |
Well sure. Don't you remember that time that the aliens kienapped your little brother Ike? Now, that was scary. |
| Stan's tale: |
[from Cartman Gets An Anal Probe, but with a twist. The kids are in the forest waiting for aliens, and as bait, Cartman is tied to a tree by his foot] |
| Cartman: |
[kicks his foot to try to get loose] Oh, man, this sucks. |
| Kyle: |
How come the visitors aren't coming for him. |
| Stan: |
I think we have to signal them somehow. |
| Cartman: |
[farts fire] Ow! |
| Wendy: |
Hey, he's like Rudolph. |
| Kyle: |
Yeah, all you have to do is fart some more, Cartman! And the visitors are sure to come! |
| Cartman: |
Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight. |
| Kyle: |
Sure you do! |
| Stan: |
Come on Cartman, fart! |
| Cartman: |
I don't wanna. |
| Stan: |
He can't hold it in forever. |
| Kyle: |
Fart, damn you! |
| Cartman: |
Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! [Farts. An anal probe comes out of his butt] |
| Kyle: |
Whoa, look at that. |
| Cartman: |
It's completely immature! [the probe is starting to resemble a truck] |
| Stan: |
Hey, it's happening again. [the assembly is done, and a clerk stands ready to serve ice cream] It's a ice cream truck. Now do you believe this, Cartman? |
| Cartman: |
You guys can't scare me! |
| Stan: |
Cartman, there's an ice cream truck sticking out of your ass. [the mother ship and three daughter ships come down, and aliens appear. They walk over to the truck] |
| Kyle: |
Hey, look. The aliens are getting ice cream. |
| Stan: |
Wow! I guess everything's going to be okay. [walks over to Wendy and kisses her good] |
| Wendy: |
Mmmm. |
| Stan: |
Now, that was what I call a sticky situation. [the kids laugh] |
| Kyle: |
You can say that again. |
| Cartman: |
Was that how it happened? |
|
[the truck] |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
STOOPP! LET ME OFF, YOU TURD! |
| Truck Driver: |
Hey. Uh I wanna help you. Uh, I care a lot about that bus full of uuh- what was it again? |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Children. |
| Truck Driver: |
Yeah right. Leh, let me come with you. [they get out of the truck and head over to] |
|
|
|
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
WHO-WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAAP?! |
| Carrot Ass: |
[on stage] I hate flyin'. Talk about somethin' I hate, it's flyin'. |
| Truck Driver: |
[nudging Ms. Crabtree] Say uuhh, are those roofies kickin' in yet? |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
WELL, I DON'T THINK SO! |
| Truck Driver: |
Damn! |
| Carrot Ass: |
D'you guys like impressions? |
| Patron: |
No! |
| Carrot Ass: |
Here's my impression of Robert De Niro. [turns around, makes adjustments, and turns again] Hey, youse. Youse guys. Shut up, youse! |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
YOU SUUCK!! [the audience roars with laughter] |
| Carrot Ass: |
Youse guys, shut up! |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!! [more laughter] |
| Carrot Ass: |
[as Barney, the dinosaur] Come on, lady. Iii love you. You love me. |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
I SAAIID, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!! [more laughter. A man falls down from laughing so hard. Carrot Ass pees in his pants and walks off stage] |
| Talent Scout: |
[approaching her] Baby, you're wonderful! You're a natural! You're the funniest comic I've seen in yeauhs! |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP. I'VE GOT TO GET SOME ASSISTANCE FOR MY BROKEN-DOWN BUUSS!! |
| Talent Scout: |
Broken-down bus! That's great! Great angle! |
|
[Night time at the precipice] |
| Stan: |
Do you see 'er dude? |
| Kyle: |
Nope. |
| Cartman: |
God-dammit, how long is this goin' to take? |
| Boy In The Red Shirt: |
She's never coming back. Don't you get it? She left us here to die like pigs. |
| Kyle: |
Calm down, dude. You're upsetting Kenny. |
| Kenny: |
[miffed at Kyle] (Huh?) |
| Boy In The Red Shirt: |
I can't take it anymore! I have to get out of here! [pants] |
| Stan: |
No, kid! You heard what Ms. Crabtree said: there's a big black scary monster out there! |
| Boy In The Red Shirt: |
Ehah! Well, I'm not gonna sit here and wait to die with the rest of you! If I can make it back, ah-I'll send help. |
| Kyle: |
Don't do it, kid. |
|
[the kid hops off the bus and the rest of the class goes over to the left side of the bus to see him off] |
| Stan: |
Hmm. Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up that stuff about the big black monster. |
|
[the boy turns around and smiles. The bushes behind him rustle. The kids look stunned as the monster comes out of the trees and traps the boy] |
| Boy In The Red Shirt: |
Nooooo-agh! [the monster picks him up and swallows him whole] |
| Kyle: |
Holy crap, dude! |
|
[the monster turns and scurries away. The precipice is quiet for a while before the boy's skeleton is tossed back. It lands on one of the bus windows and slowly slides down, leaving some blood. The kids jump back and run around confused.] |
| Bebe: |
Down! [the kids take their seats] |
| Stan: |
Well, I guess nobody else will be getting off the bus. |
|
[South Park, the next day. Liane Cartman prepares some Cookie Dings dough for baking, and the phone rings] |
| Liane: |
[answers] Hello? |
| Sharon: |
Oh, hello, Ms. Cartman. It's Sharon, Stan's mother. |
| Liane: |
Oh yes, Sharon. How are you? |
| Sharon: |
Ms. Cartman, is your son at home? |
| Liane: |
Hu-old on, dear, let me check. [lowers the phone] Hon, I made beefy logs. [nothing] I made Cookie Dings. [zip. She takes up the phone] No, he's not here. |
| Sharon: |
Well, now I am worried. I've tried all the houses and nobody knows where they are. |
| Liane: |
Oh, dear! |
|
[Denver] |
| Talent Scout: |
I'm telling you, Marty, this woman is a natural! I haven't seen a funnier person since Maury Povich. |
| Marty: |
What's her angle? |
| Talent Scout: |
I can't even explain it. You have to see it. |
| Marty: |
Alright. Well, this better be good. |
| Talent Scout: |
[turns around and goes to the door] Come on in, come on in. |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
WHUAT THE HELL DID YOU BRING ME TO DENVER FOR, YOU BRAIN-DEPRAVED FECOPHILIAC?! |
| Talent Scout: |
Mr. Jonus, this is Mrs. Crabtree. |
| Marty: |
Pleasure to meet you. |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
YOU LOOK LIKE A LUMP OF DOGSHIT JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR!! |
| Talent Scout: |
What did I tell you? |
| Marty: |
She's fantastic. How would you like to make a million dollars, baby? |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY ASS?! |
| Marty: |
Let's get started right away. |
| Truck Driver: |
Are you gonna be all right? |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
DON'T TOUCH ME! |
| Truck Driver: |
Uh ah-I'm sorry. Do you need anything? |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
No. I just… |
| Truck Driver: |
What? |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
I can't help but feel that I've forgotten somethin'. |
|
[Another night at the precipice] |
| Stan: |
What time is it? |
| Kenny: |
(Almost 7:30) |
| Kyle: |
On Wednesday or Thursday? |
| Stan: |
Dude, I think it's Saturday now. |
| Cartman: |
What?! I'm missing the new Fantasy Island. |
| Kyle: |
[turns around and stares out the back window] Aw man, I don't think it's very safe to be on this bus. |
| Stan: |
Well, we can't go anywhere or else that big scary monster outside will get us. |
| Cartman: |
What do you think it is? |
| Stan: |
I don't know, it's- a big scary monster. [Kyle turns to listen] |
| Kyle: |
Hey. Maybe it's that thing, Scuzzlebutt. [sits] |
| Stan: |
What? |
| Kyle: |
Don't you remember? That time we were out hunting with your uncle Jimbo and Ned. |
| Kyle's Tale: |
[From Volcano. Jimbo, Ned, and the boys are running from a lava flow.] |
| Boys: |
Aaaaaa! |
| Jimbo: |
The lava's comin' right for us! |
| Cartman: |
Heellp! |
|
[the lava is charging down the hill, and the boys, Jimbo, and Ned have reached the trench. Scuzzlebutt appears, and they stare in awe] |
| Jimbo: |
Jimminy Hope, it's the real Scuzzlebutt! |
| Cartman: |
What?! Scuzzlebutt's real?! |
| Kyle: |
Oh my God! Look at his leg! |
| Brent Musberger: |
Hi kids, I'm TV's Brent Musberger. |
| Kyle: |
Dude! He got Brent Musberger for a leg! |
| All: |
Aaaa! |
| Jimbo: |
Quick Ned, shoot it! |
| Ned: |
[tries to cock the rifle, but it's not happening] Mmm. Oh no, out of ammo. |
| Stan: |
Hey, look! |
| Scuzzlebutt: |
Grrrr. [fashions some ice cream cones out of thin air] |
| Kyle: |
Dude! He's making ice cream. [Scuzzlebutt offers the cones to the boys] |
| Cartman: |
[taking the chocolate one] Scuzzlebutt kicks ass! |
| Kyle: |
Now, that's what I call a sticky situation. [the kids laugh] |
| Stan: |
Okay, so we can agree that the monster outside can't be Scuzzlebutt, because Scuzzlebutt's nice. |
| Cartman: |
Hey. Maybe it's our teacher, Mr. Garrison. |
| Kyle: |
Don't be stupid, Cartman. Our teacher wouldn't be out lying in the forest waiting to kill us! |
| Cartman: |
Oh no? Don't you remember the time he went crazy, and tried to kill Kathie Lee Gifford? |
| Cartman's Tale: |
[From Weight Gain 4000. Mr. Garrison is in the book depository waiting for Kathie Lee to pass by] |
| Mayor: |
[excitedly] Here she comes! [the band marches down the sreet, followed by Kathie Lee Gifford's car and entourage. She's in her bubble waving at the crowds] |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Come on you little bitch. [takes aim, but the view is fuzzy as he focuses in on her] |
| Mayor: |
[on stage] It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park. [Crowd cheers. Kathie Lee's security force throw her, bubble and all, on stage] |
| Kathie Lee: |
Thank you. [Mr. Garrison has his target, but Stan and Wendy rush in] |
| Stan: |
Mr. Garrison, stop! |
| Mr. Garrison: |
[turns to face them] Leave us. We must finish what we have begun. [resets] |
| Wendy: |
But Mr. Garrison! |
| Mr. Garrison: |
[faces them again] She's not really Kathie Lee Gifford. She's some kinda alien. [resets] |
| Kathie Lee: |
Thank you. And I love you all. |
|
[a shot pierces the bubble and enters Kathie Lee's head. The crowd gasps as she holds her head. She rips it open to reveal a vicious little green alien] |
| Alien: |
Naawwr! [jumps out of the bubble. Mr. Garrison follows it in his sights and shoots it dead] |
| Mr. Garrison: |
[facing Stan and Wendy] See, I told ya. [Stan and Wendy shrug and lock lips] |
| Wendy: |
Mmmm. |
| The Mayor: |
[sheepishly giddy] Wow, this is gonna put a damper on the day. [into the mike] Let's have ice cream, everyone! [the crowd cheers] |
| Cartman: |
[totally ripped, he flexes with a vanilla ice cream cone in his left hand] Beefcaake! |
| Cartman: |
Now, that's what I call a sticky situation. [the kids laugh] |
| Stan: |
But the monster outside couldn't be Mr. Garrison, 'cause Mr. Garrison used a gun. |
| Cartman: |
Oh, yeah. |
|
[Burbank, NBC Studios, 11:35 p.m.]
 |
| Announcer: |
Live from Burbank, it's The Tonight Show, with Jay Leno. Tonight, Jay's special guests imclude: Washed-up Actress from a sitcom. And the comedy of Mrs. Crabtree. And now, here's your host, Jay Leno. [comes out with a very long chin, down to his knees. He turns and waves at the audience] |
| Talent Scout: |
Just relax, sweetheart, you're gonna kill out there. |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
KILL WHO?! |
| Talent Scout: |
Huh that's great. Use that. [holds up his thumbs] |
| Truck Driver: |
Honey du-, do you need anything? |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE OF THEM ROOFIES. |
| Truck Driver: |
[rushing up] Sure. [he offers it, and she takes it and swallows] |
|
[Mr. Mackey's office. A crowd of people is gathered in there with Mr. Mackey] |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Oh oh okay? Let's try to calm down, nkay? This type of thing happens all the time. |
| Sharon: |
What do ya mean?! How often does an entire third-grade class go missing?! |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Well, 99% of the time, when a child is missing, it's because they've run away. Mkay? [the parents gasp] |
| Sharon: |
Run away? |
| Sheila: |
[fretfully] Oy, I knew I shouldn't have made Kyle eat that gefukahukah. |
| Randy: |
How do we get our runaway children back? |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Well, we just need to make some posters, nkay? Hand out brochures, onkay? That way, the public can know what the chldren look like and can call in if thry're spotted, nkay? |
| Sharon: |
Let's get started right away! They could be halfway to L. A. by now. |
| Sheila: |
It's only a matter of time before they're selling their bodies and buying smack. |
|
[About town. An insistent tune plays. Posters of the missing kids are going up everywhere. Gerald pins a picture of Kyle on a tree, and Randy tapes one of Stan on a light post] |
| Man 1: |
Come on, everybody! |
| Man 2: |
We've got to find those kids! |
| Man 1: |
If we all put our heads together, we can find them! |
| Man 2: |
We can do it! |
|
[Liane is in a bikini passing out pictures of Eric. This draws men, young and old, from all around.] |
| Man 3: |
Hi. |
|
[On a wall are pictures of, from left to right, Bebe, Clyde, Stan, Kyle, Macaulay, Pip,…] |
|
[Midnight on the precipice. The bus rocks slowly and with a loud thud] |
| Stan: |
What was that? |
| Kyle: |
What was what? |
| Stan: |
Dude, I think the scary monster is right outside the bus! |
| Kyle: |
What could it be? If only we knew what we were up against. |
| Kenny: |
(Hey you guys. Remember when Terrance and Phillip was off the air?) |
| Kyle: |
Hey yeah, I remember that. |
| Kenny: |
(All I know is that it was a loong time ago, and Death was chasing us on a bicycle down the street.) |
| Kenny's Tale: |
[from Death. The boys are running down the street. Death pursues them, and Grampa pursues Death.] |
| Kids: |
Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah! [Death is following the kids on a tricycle.] |
| Grampa: |
[trying to keep up on his electric wheelchair] Come back here you pompousy son of a pansy! |
| Kids: |
Aaaah! |
| Kyle: |
[sees Death close to Kenny] Don't let him touch you! You die if he touches you! |
| Grampa: |
Come over here you son of a whore! |
|
[Everyone passes the electronics store without stopping to see Terrance and Phillip. Death is about to touch Kenny when Kenny decides to defend his life] |
| Kenny: |
(Take… that!) [flips Death off the bike and starts jumping on him. Death starts coming apart] (And that, that is for me, and that, that and that, that and that, that, that, that!) [Kyle and Stan return to watch] |
| Stan: |
Oh my God! Kenny- killed… death! |
| Kyle: |
You… bastard. [Kenny reaches into Death's corpse, pulls out a strawberry ice cream cone, and starts licking] |
| Kenny: |
(Heheheh. Now that's what I-he call a sticky situation!) [the kids laugh] |
| Stan: |
Yeah, but the monster outside couldn't be Death, because Death only touches you, it doesn't eat you. |
| Kenny: |
(Oh, yeah) |
| Kyle: |
Well, who really cares what that monster is outside? As long as we stay on the bus, it can't hurt us. Right? [the roof rips open and the scary monster reaches in and gropes for someone. Swanson jumps for the front window and Pip and the kid in the aviator cap try to open their windows] |
| Kids: |
AAAAH! [the monster's claw settles on Kenny and pulls him out] |
| Kenny: |
[gasps] (Uh oh. Hey uh, you guys! Help me doooowwwwnnnn! Heeyy, you guuuuyyyyys!) [the monster scurries away, holding Kenny tight] |
| Stan: |
Oh my God, it's killing Kenny! |
| Kyle: |
You bastard! |
| Stan: |
[looking at Kenny disappear] Hoh boy, we're in big trouble. |
| Cartman: |
[looking out through the gaping hole in the roof] Hey you guys. Can we order a pizza? |
|
[back at The Tonight Show, Ms. Cartman's segment has just started] |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ALL STARIN' AT?! [the audience laughs] STOP LAUGHING, YOU WHORES!! [more laughs] I SAID, SHUT UP!! [the audience is hushed, then roars with laughter again. She stays quiet and walks off stage] |
| Jay Leno: |
Let's hear it for Ms. Crabtree. What an up-and-comer! |
| Truck Driver: |
Well. That was great, ma'am. |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Was it? Does it even matter? |
| Truck Driver: |
Wwhat do ya mean? |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Success is hollow, Mitch, hollow like a dead tree. I think it's time for me to give it up. |
| Truck Driver: |
Are you sure? |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Ah-I'm sure. Let's get a cup of coffee. [they walk off] |
|
[Daytime. The sun is shining into the bus through the roof] |
| Cartman: |
I wonder when the monster is gonna come back to feed again? [the kids shiver] |
| Kyle: |
We've just gotta stick together. |
| Stan: |
Yeah. There's got to be a way out of this. |
| Cartman: |
Hay, wait a minute. |
| Stan: |
What? |
| Cartman: |
Remember the time when Fonzie jumped over the buses with his motorcycle? |
| HAPPY DAYS |
[Armold's at night. Every kid of driving age shows up to see Fonzie jump the buses. Two of his many admiring girls get him ready for the jump, then walk away. The Fonz revs up the bike] |
| Joanie Cunningham: |
Go, Fonzie! |
| Fonzie: |
Eeeeyyyy! [strikes a pose and holds up his thumb] |
| Cartman: |
You can do it, Fonzie. |
| Stan: |
We believe in you, Fonz. |
| Fonzie: |
Eeeeyyyy! [revs up the motorcycle and heads for the ramp. He passes it and turns around, does a wheelie, and goes for the jump. He sails over the buses and lands. He gets close to the crowd and loses control. Everybody but Kenny gets out of the way] |
| Kenny: |
(Hey, that freakin' bike-!) [Fonzie's bike smashes him into the brick wall and bounces off, and Fonzie sails over the wall. After a moment, Kenny drops, and Fonzie gets up behind the wall] |
| Fonzie: |
[triumphantly] Eeyy! [reaches into his pocket and pulls out a chocolate ice cream cone, then starts licking] |
| Stan: |
Oh my God! They've killed Kenny! |
| Kyle: |
You bastards! |
| Cartman: |
Now, that's what I call a sticky situation. Uheheheh, heh. |
| Stan: |
You dumbass, Cartman! That's not the way it happened! |
| Kyle: |
Yeah, dude! Kenny just died eight hours ago from that monster! How could he have died back then, too? |
| Cartman: |
[thinks] Oh yeah, I guess that doesn't make sense. [as he turns around, the bus lurches again] |
| Stan: |
Oh no! [the bus teeters] |
| Kids: |
Aaaah! |
| Kyle: |
What are we gonna do? |
| Kids: |
[running around] Aaaah! [nighttime arrives, and Kyle looks out the back window as the kids move around. Clyde and the red-haired girl run to the front, and the kid in the aviator cap runs from the front door to the seat behind the driver] |
| Stan: |
Now we need more weight in the back. [the red-haired girl and Clyde run back, and the third kid runs back to the door] No, that's too much! [Clyde and the red-haired girl run to the front, but stop halfway. The front of the bus drops back to the ground] |
| Kyle: |
There. [drops into his seat] I think we got it. |
| Stan: |
I don't know how much longer we can keep this up, dude. |
| Kyle: |
Don't worry. Everything's gonna work out. It always does. |
| Cartman: |
It does? |
| Kyle: |
Sure. Remember that time that that kid in the red shirt decided to go off on his own? |
| The Ensign |
[Two nights ago. The kid in the red shirt decides not to wait for help to come, but to go and look for help himself] |
| Boy In The Red Shirt: |
Ehah! Well, I'm not gonna sit here and wait to die with the rest of you! If I can make it back, ah-I'll send help. |
| Kyle: |
Don't do it, kid. |
|
[the kid hops off the bus and the rest of the class goes over to the left side of the bus to see him off] |
| Stan: |
Hmm. Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up that stuff about the big black monster. |
|
[the boy turns around and smiles. The bushes behind him rustle. The kids look stunned as the monster comes out of the trees and traps the boy] |
| Boy In The Red Shirt: |
Nooooo-agh! [the monster picks him up and swallows him whole] |
| Kyle: |
Holy crap, dude! [the monster pulls out a spoon and some ice cream to enjoy with his meal] Hey look! He's got ice cream! [Stan and he smile] |
| Kids: |
[some] Hooray! [others] Yea! [the roof opens up] Aaah! [Cartman smiles, and ice cream cones start dropping in for the kids to catch] Yea! Ha ha. [the kids enjoy the treats] |
| Kyle: |
Now, that's what I call a sticky situation. [the kids laugh] |
|
[A marsh. Ms. Crabtree and the truck driver are enjoying a quiet moment] |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Wow, this is gorgeous. I don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful. |
| Truck Driver: |
From a distance, this place looks like a cold, damp marsh. But once you get inside it, [they look at each other] you realize that it has an inner beauty, far surpassing others. [hugs her a little tighter] Thank you for sharing your time with me, Ms. Crabtree. |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Please. Call me Muffin. [she knows who the marsh is] |
| Truck Driver: |
I'm having a nice time, Muffin. |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Me too, Marcus. I've forgotten all about my cares in the world. |
|
[The precipice. All her cares are still waiting for someone to rescue them.] |
| Cartman: |
Aw damn, man. Now I'm missing the new Barnaby Jones. |
| Kyle: |
Hey. Ms. Crabtree had that little TV, for the trainng video? Maybe we can watch TV on it. |
| Stan: |
Hey yeah! [Cartman hops down, goes to the driver's seat, and turns on the TV. After a second or two, News 4 pops up] |
| Tom: |
…And all over America, kids are turning to the streets and running away. Tonight, a very special message from the parents of some runaway children, in hopes that their young will hear their cries. |
| Randy: |
Hello, Stanley. It's me, Poppa. [Stanley looks glom] Gosh, your mother and I miss ya. And I hope that… wherever you may be, you'll hear this message. [music begins, and Randy sings passionately]
Little lamb, you're lost in the great big world
Runaway, findin' streets so cold
|
| Kyle: |
[pointing at Stan] Du-hude! Your dad's a retard! [Stan looks embarrassed. On TV, Gerald steps up to the mike] |
| Gerald: |
Please come home, Kyle. [Kyle looks glum]
You left home lookin' for somethin' new. [Kyle is really embarrassed]
But all you need is right here waitin' for you [the kids laugh at Kyle]
|
| The Parents: |
Runaway, come home. We love you just as you are.
Runaway, come home. We're sorry things went this far.
-
[There are twelve adults present: The Marshes, the Broflovskis, the McCormicks, Liane Cartman, Mr. Garrison (!), Kevin's mother, and three unidentified adults. One of them seems to be the ice cream man from Cartman's flashback.]
| Stan: |
Dude, did it ever occur to them to just look for us? |
| Clyde: |
I hope my dad doesn't sing. |
| Cartman: |
Hey! Do you guys remember the time I found out who my father was? |
| Stan: |
Boy, do I! |
| Carman's Father |
[from Cartman's Mom is a Hermaphrodite All the men are gathered at Mephesto's room in Hell's Pass Hospital. The boys and Liane are also there] |
| Mephesto: |
Oh. As I said before, the father is somebody in this room. The father is… John Elway. [all gasp. Congratulatory music plays] |
| Cartman: |
Sweeeeeett! [smiles big] |
| John Elway: |
Uh oh. |
| Cartman: |
This kicks ass, you guys! John Elway is my father! [Starts a little cheer]
My father is John Elway, my father is John Elway
Deedun, Deedun. |
| John Elway: |
[comes over to Cartman] Come on, son. I'll buy you some ice cream. [Cartman looks up lovingly at his purported father, and they walk away. Curiously, Liane Cartman is left behind] |
| Cartman: |
Now, that's what I call a sti- |
| Kyle: |
Wait a minute. I though your father was your mother 'cause she had a penis. |
| Cartman: |
What?! Eeyy, you son of a bitch! I'll kick you in the nuts! [hops off his seat, and the bus heaves. He makes his way to the back] |
| Stan: |
Cartman, no! [the bus starts to tip over] |
| Kids: |
Aaaaaa! |
| Stan: |
The bus is going over! |
| Kyle |
Oh no! |
| Kids: |
[all hurry to the front] Aaaaa. Aaaaaaa. |
| A kid: |
It looks like somebody's going to fall off the buuss! |
|
[the kid with the aviator cap tries to hang on to a seat, but loses his grip and falls through the back window screaming. The bus snaps in two, and the front end comes down. A second later, both parts of the bus slip into the steep canyon.] |
| Kids: |
Aaaaa! |
|
[The scene is shown again, but this time the bus falls into a giant bucket of]
Super
Chocolaty Chunky
Funk Chip
Surprise
|
[The kids are strewn all over the place once again.]
|
| Stan: |
[he and Kyle get up and look out the window] Hey! We've landed in ice cream! |
| Kids: |
Hooray! |
| Cartman: |
Wait, wait wait wait. This doesn't make sense. This whole thing doesn't make any sense. I must be- |
|
[Cartman's bedroom] |
| Cartman: |
[snaps out of a vivid dream and sits up] Deah, eh eh. [sweats] Oh man, what a weird dream! |
| Liane: |
[appears at his door with milk and a bowl] Ah-are you okay, hon? |
| Cartman: |
Ma? I just dreamt that me and Stan and Kyle and Kenny were trapped on our bus, and we were talking about everything that happened to us, except that it was all wrong and everything ended with us eating ice cream. |
| Liane: |
Oh. Well. Wwould you like some beetles for breakfast? [the beetles start crawling out of the bowl] |
| Cartman: |
Yes, please. [Liane snaps up the first one the leaves the bowl and eats it] |
| Liane: |
Mmmm. |
| Cartman: |
Mmmm. [munch munch gobble] Mmmm. |
| Liane: |
Mmmm. Beetles are good with ice cream. |
|
[Stan's bedroom. Stan is asleep] |
| Stan: |
GAAA-uh. [he's wide awake, and sits up] Ugh. Oh, dude. What a nightmare. [reaches for the phone and dials a number] |
| Kyle: |
[already up, reaches for the pbone] Hello? |
| Stan: |
Dude, I just had the weirdest dream. |
| Kyle: |
Really? |
| Stan: |
Yeah, I dreamt that Cartman dreamt that we were all trapped on a bus, and then he dreamt that we were talking about things that had happened, only they were all wrong, and, and then he and his mother ate beetles. |
| Kyle: |
Dude. That's a pretty fucked up dream. |
| Stan: |
Yeah, I must be having some real emotional problems. |
| Kyle: |
Hey. Me and Cartman and Kenny are going down to Happy Burger. Do you wanna come? |
| Stan: |
Sure. I definitely don't wanna sleep anymore. See you later. [hangs up, hops off the bed and leaves] |
|
[The marsh. Cartman's dream has a life of its own and is self-aware, like a holodeck program gone awry. A frog croaks] |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
I want to thank you for making me feel alive again, Marcus. |
| Truck Driver: |
Mms. Crabtree? |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
What is it? What's wrong? |
| Truck Driver: |
You realize I can't stay. None of this is real: it's… it's all been a little eight-year old's dream |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Oh I know. I know, Marcus. But let me just pretend as long as I can. |
| Truck Driver: |
Sure. [He hugs her a bit tighter, and they stare off into the horizon, at a very red sunset] |
|
[End of City On The Edge Of Forever. "Runaway, Come Home" plays] |
|