Episode 402 - The Tooth Fairy's Tats 2000

Cast:

Kyle
Kenny
Stan
Cartman
Liane Cartman
Gerald Broflovski
Chef
Butters
Timmy
Loogie and his boys, including Kolovski
Dr. Roberts
Other Dentists, including Mr. Foley
Rich kid in Cherry Creek
Beat-up Boy
Weasel
Field Reporter Dan Akawa
Anchor Tom
Billy Circlovich and his parents
Murphy

[The Cartman house. Liane is sipping her coffee on the sofa. She lowers it as Cartman screams]
Cartman: Mom! MOOOM! Mom! [races down the stairs in pajamas, cap and coat in the right hand and two dollars in the left one, and stops at Liane's feet] Seriously! Something wonderful has happened!
Liane: What is it, snookums?
Cartman: Mom, look! The tooth fairy! I put a tooth under my pillow, and she gave me two dollars! [shows them off] She's only given me a lousy quarter before!
Liane: Oh my! She must think that you are a very special little muffin.
Cartman: [hops onto the sofa] Yeah! This is so tits!
Liane: Don't say "tits," Eric.
Cartman: Oh, I mean, this is so cool!
Liane: Well, then, now you should take that money and open up a savings account that has compounded daily interest.
Cartman: Heh, you can compound daily my ass with interest, Mom; I'm goin' to the toy store and buy me a skateboard! [dons his coat]
Liane: But Eric, I think maybe the tooth fairy wants you to use that money to learn about saving.
Cartman: Mom, you don't know what the tooth fairy wants me to do with this money, okay? You're not the tooth fairy! I'll see you later! [turns and walks out] Aw, man, this is so tits!
[The bus stop. Stan, Kyle and Kenny stand around]
Cartman: [off camera, heard running up] Hey you guys! You're not gonna believe this! [Stan and Kyle look at each other, then at Cartman] Oh my God, you guys, seriously! [runs around them] Just wait until you hear this, you guys! I'm rich! I'm totally rich! [turns to face them] Aren't you stoked?!
Stan: What the hell's wrong with Cartman?!
Kyle: He's fat and he's stupid?
Cartman: [pants, then] Look what the tooth fairy left me last night! [presents the two dollars]
Stan: Two dollars!
Kyle: No way!
Stan: For one tooth?
Cartman: For one tooth.
Stan: Dude, every time I lost a tooth I only got a quarter.
Kyle: I only got a jar of gifelte fish.
Cartman: Well, that doesn't matter, because I have an idea that is totally tits.
Kyle: …Totally what?
Cartman: Look, I don't know why the tooth fairy's being so cool to me. Maybe she's hot for me. I don't know, but if we all chip in with teeth, then I can hide them under my pillow and we could get enough money to buy a [stretches the words] Sega Dreamcast.
Stan, Kyle, Kenny: Sega Dreamcast??
Cartman: All we need is teeth.
Stan: I already lost all my baby teeth.
Kyle: Me too. [Kenny says nothing, so the others look at him]
Kenny: [covers his mouth] (Nuh-uh.)
Kyle: You still have baby teeth, Kenny?
Kenny: (No way!)
Cartman: [moves to Kenny's side] Kenny, think about it. Don't you want a [stretches the words] Sega Dreamcast?
Kenny: [punctuates] (No I don't! Thank you.)
Cartman: [ignoring the answer] Alright! Kenny's in, you guys! Tits!
[The school yard. Stan ties Kenny to a tetherball pole. The string leads off to the right]
Stan: Okay, the string is tied to Kenny's tooth. You ready over there?
Kyle: [at the other end, tying the string to a wheelchair] Almost. You ready, Timmy?
Timmy: [the boy in the wheelchair] Timmiihh!
Kyle: When I say "go," you slam your electric wheelchair into high gear. Okay, Timmy?
Timmy: Timmiihh!
Kyle: Right. You're Timmy.
Timmy: Timmiihh! Lemmeouttaheah!
Kenny: (Why the fuck does it have to be my tooth?)
Cartman: I'll tell you why it has to be you, Kenny: because your family is poor, and therefore has bad oral hygiene, so your teeth are gonna fall out someday, anyway. If you think about it, you should actually be thanking us. [tugs on Kenny's hood] "Oh, thank you, guys." You're welcome, Kenny.
Kenny: [punctuates] (Fuck you!)
Kyle: Alright! Get ready, Timmy.
Timmy: Timmiihh!
Butters: [walks up] Heh-hey guys, uh, wu-what are you doin'?
Stan: What does it look like we're doing, Butters? We need a tooth, so we're using Timmy's wheelchair to pull out one of Kenny's.
Butters: Oh. Heh, I got a loose tooth right here. [draws it from his pocket]
Stan, Cartman: You what?
Kenny: (You what?)
Timmy: Timmih-
Butters: Yyep. Oo-one of mine came out not two hours ago.
Stan: Uh, Butters, could we have it?
Butters: Wwell, heck no! Uh you can't have it. Why, I'm gonna stick it under- my pillow and get money from the tooth fairy. She gives me fifty cents a tooth.
Timmy: Ha-a-ugh.
Butters: Well, uh, see ya, fellas. [walks away]
Kyle: [walks up to Stan] Dude, maybe we don't have to rip a tooth out of Kenny's mouth.
Stan: Yeah, we just have to get Butters' tooth.
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Cartman: How are we gonna get it from him?
Stan: I guess we'll have to sneak into his house after he goes to sleep tonight.
Kyle: Yeah, let's go. [the group begins to move when]
Timmy: Go! Timmy go! [revs up, pulling Kenny] Yeah, Timmy! [drives until he runs out of string, then is jerked back]
Kyle: No, Timmy, wait!
Timmy: Engh go uh Timmy! [the string goes taut, and Kenny's face protrudes from his hood]
Kenny: (Hey, guys!) [yanked from his suit into the air] (Heey-ungh) [lands naked in front of Cartman] (Oowww.)
Cartman: Hahahahahaha. Hey, you guys, I can see Kenny's pengling, hahahahahaha.
Timmy: Hu-aah!
[A house, night. Butters is asleep in his room. A pole rises outside with a grinning Cartman dressed as a tooth fairy dangling from it]
Cartman: Higher, you guys.
Stan: [struggling with the pole with Kyle and Kenny] Jesus Christ, why did we pick the fat guy to lift up in there?
Cartman: [bumps into the window] Agh! Careful, you assholes! [opens the window] To the left, you guys, left. [is moved to his left] No, camera left, camera left! [is moved in the other direction, towards Butters' head] That's it, now down. [is lowered, then reaches for the pillow]
Butters: [wakes up] What the-? [rubs his eyes] Who's there? Who is that?!
Cartman: [in falsetto] I am the tooth fairy, my child.
Butters: Hoh. Sorry, Miss Fairy. I didn't mean to gaze at you. I'm back to sleep now, see? [squeezes his eyelids shut]
Cartman: Sure. Now I will leave you tidings under your pillow. [reaches under and grabs Butters' tooth, then beholds the treasure. He then places some money under the pillow as Butters sneaks a peek.]
Butters: [as Cartman withdraws] Well, oh gosh, I, I didn't think you'd be so fat.
Cartman: Ey!
Kyle: Come on, fatass!
Cartman: Do not open your eyes until morning. [Butters has then shut real tight; Cartman tugs in the rope and is pulled out of the room] Or else I will kick you in the nuts. [drops down] Square in the nuts.
Butters: Yuh, yu-yes ma'am!
Stan: Well?
Cartman: Bull's eye!
[Cartman's house, later. He's being tucked in bed]
Liane: Tucky tucky time, it's the best time of the night.
Cartman: I love that song, Mom. Sing it again.
Liane: No, honey, Mommy's gotta save her throat. I have to work tonight.
Cartman: Okay.
Liane: Good night. [heads for the door. Cartman settles in and is about to place the tooth under the pillow] What do you have there, Eric?
Cartman: Another tooth fell out today; I'm leavin' it for the tooth fairy.
Liane: Oh, my. The tooth fairy will have to give you a big surprise for losing two teeth in two days.
Cartman: I know, huh?
[The bus stop, next morning. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are there]
Cartman: You guys! Oh my God, you guys! You're not gonna believe it! It's beyond rational thought, you guys! [runs around them counterclockwise] Holy crap, you guys! I mean-
Kyle: Did the tooth fairy come?
Cartman: Four dollars. [the other three answer at the same time]
Stan: Oh my God!
Kyle: Four dollars?
Kenny: (Oh, my God!)
Cartman: Do you what this means?
Stan: Yeah. We just gotta keep finding teeth and putting them under your pillow. [he and Kyle grin]
[Dentist office, some days later. A phone rings]
A Dentist: [answering] Dentist office.
Liane: Oh. Eh-hello, Dr. Roberts? It's Ms. Cartman.
Dr. Roberts: Oh, yes, Ms. Cartman. What can I do for you?
Liane: Well, it's my son. He's lost a lot of his baby teeth, and I was starting to get worried.
Dr. Roberts: Well, losing baby teeth is a natural thing, Ms. Cartman. How many has he lost?
Liane: About a hundred and twelve.
Dr. Roberts: …A hundred and twelve.
Liane: Yes. Fifteen of them in one night. Perhaps he should switch toothpaste?
Dr. Roberts: Your son wouldn't happen to be an "alligator," would he? No? Hm, I see. Well, I'm afraid I can't help you right now. The American Dental Association convention is this week, but, as soon as I get back, I'll look into it.
Liane: O-oh, thank you. Freebie next week. [hangs up]
Dr. Roberts: What?
[Cartman's room, dawn. He rises and throws his pillows off the bed]
Cartman: Tih- [the tooth he placed under his pillow is still there] Tooth? [picks it up and looks at it in disbelief] What the hell? Mom!
Liane: [rushes in] Yes, Eric
Cartman: You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!
Liane: Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. [Cartman sits] Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that- well, there is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow, and because you got so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.
Cartman: [laughs] You almost had me for a second there, Mom, heh. "There's no tooth fairy." I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either, heh, heh… [mother and son sit silently for a while] M- Mom?
Liane: I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later.
Cartman: Yi- you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?
Liane: No, honey. It's just-
Cartman: How could-? How could you lie to me, Mother? Lie right to my face?
Liane: Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.
Cartman: How can I trust you? [hops off the bed] How can I trust anyone ever again, Mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself. [tugs at his pajama shirt] Myself and Willikins Bear, of course.
Liane: Eric! Eric, wait!
Cartman: [covers his ears] No, Mother! No more lies! [runs out of his room and shuts the door]
[The Cartman house. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wait. Cartman exits and walks down the street upset, ignoring his friends]
Stan: [he and the others follow] Dude, where's the money?
Cartman: [flatly] There is no money.
Kyle: No more money??
Stan: What are you talking about, Cartman?! We're only $167 away from gettin' a Sega!
Cartman: I know!
Kyle: Cartman, what's going on?!
Cartman: [stops, then faces them sadly] You guys… [turns away] Oh, God, I don't even know how to tell you this.
Stan: Tell us what?!
Cartman: [faces them again] You guys, there's… there's no tooth fairy, you guys. There, I said it. [turns away again]
Kyle: What do you mean, "there's no tooth fairy?"
Cartman: My mom has been giving me the money all this time, and your parents are the ones who left you money.
Stan: Dude.
Kyle: That can't be. My parents wouldn't lie to me.
Cartman: But now my mom has given us so much money that she's bankrupt, and we're poor, like Kenny. [Kenny approaches him and reaches out, but Cartman bushes him off] Don't touch me, Kenny. [Kenny steps back]
Kyle: [approaches] You're wrong. If my dad says something is real, then it's real!
Cartman: Kyle, open your eyes, man!
Kyle: It's not true! [runs away]
[The Broflovski house. Kyle enters the living room. Gerald is on the sofa reading the newspaper]
Gerald: [lowers his paper] Oh, hello, son. [Kyle turns to face him]
Kyle: Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?
Gerald: What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk. [puts down his paper]
Kyle: [suddenly alarmed] Oh my God! You did lie to me.
Gerald: No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan.
Kyle: [looking aghast] Peter Pan, too??
Gerald: Kyle…
Kyle: What about Moses and Abraham?
Gerald: Well, they were probably real.
Kyle: Probably?! Is Atlantis real??
Gerald: Probably not.
Kyle: [frightened] Wahahahah!
Gerald: Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children.
Kyle: Fun for children?! Fun for children?! Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! Weaaaah! [runs out the door]
[The town. The boys less Stan sit at a curb moping]
Cartman: Man, I can't believe all our parents lied to us about the tooth fairy.
Kyle: What about Dan Rather? Do you think he's real?
Cartman: No, man, that's just a TV show.
Stan: [rushing up] You guys! You guys! I figured it out!
Cartman: What? That your parents lied to you, too?
Stan: Yeah, but, it's okay! We can still get our Sega Dreamcast!
Cartman: How?
Stan: Look, the tooth fairy is all made up, right?
Kyle: All made up. Not real. Nothing's real.
Stan: So all we have to do is go to a really rich kid's house, put our tooth under his pillow, wait for his parents to leave him a whole buttload of money, and then sneak back in and take it!
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Stan: The kid will never even know.
Cartman: Oh, dude, that is tits! I mean, that is big fat Oprah tits right there!
Kyle: Oh my God, what if I'm not real?
Stan: We can take the bus to the city. There's super-rich people down there!
Cartman: Yeah. [leaves with Stan and Kenny]
Kyle: I mean, what if I'm just part of my parents' reality?
Stan: [returns] Come on, Kyle! [grabs him and pulls him along]
Kyle: What if this is all just somebody's dream?
[Cherry Creek, the wealthiest neighborhood in Colorado, night. The bus pulls up to a curb and drops the boys off in front of a three-story mansion]
Cartman: Wow, look at the size of these houses!
Stan: Totally, dude. Cherry Creek is the richest part of Denver. I'll bet these kids get at least ten bucks a tooth from the [raises his hands to make quotes] "Tooth Fairy."
Cartman: Hey, [points across the street] that house looks perfect. There's obviously kids living there. [the boys head for a rambling ranch house. They skip the front door and head for the back]
Stan: [A window with stickers on it and a bush underneath is shown] There. You can tell this is the kid's window 'cause it's got Mega Man stickers on it. Cartman, once you're in the kid's room, leave the tooth under the pillow, then come back out. We'll wait for the parents to see it and leave money, then swing you back in the house to grab it.
Cartman: Got it. [Stan and the others lift Cartman up.]
Stan: This is the smartest business venture ever. [Cartman is placed into position, but a blond kid swinging from another pole is lifted into position opposite him]
Cartman: What the-? [the camera peels back to show another group of kids on the other side of the bush]
Stan: Hey, what the hell are you guys doing?!
Boy 1: [with somewhat spiky hair] We're gonna sneak a tooth under this rich kid's pillow, then come back and collect the tooth fairy money that his parents leave him.
Stan: …Hey, you can't do that!
Boy 2: [with cowlick] Why not?!
Stan: Because that's what we're doing!
Cartman: Yeah! You ripped off our idea!
Boy 2: What the hell are you talking about?! We've been doing this for over two years!
Kyle: Two years?
Blond: Nice tooth fairy costume. You think anybody'd believe you in that?!
Cartman: It's better than your dress! You look like a bad Jennifer Lopez nightmare!
Blond: How dare you! [he and Cartman start fighting in midair]
Boy 1: Look, this is our turf! You'd better scram before the Boss breaks your legs!
Stan: You scram! We were here first!
Rich kid: [having heard the ruckus, opens the window] What's going on? [Cartman and the blond stop and look] Oh! It's the tooth fairies!
Boy 2: Oh, nice going! Now you woke him up! [the blond is lowered]
Stan: You woke him up! [Cartman is lowered]
Rich kid: I don't have any loose teeth, Miss Fairies but I have been a very good boy.
All: Shut up!
Boy 1: Alright, that does it! Come on, we're going to see the Boss!
Stan: Who's the Boss?
Boy 1: Loogie.
[Loogie's Ristorante. The light above the door is the one that flickers]
Loogie: [enjoying a plate of spaghetti and meatballs, he's dressed for business] My associates here tell me you were working Cherry Creek tonight. Is that true?
Stan: Uuh, yeah.
Boy 1: Right on our turf, Boss! I ain't ever seen that kind of disre- [Loogie raises his right palm] Erp.
Cartman: We were there first!
Loogie: [hops off his chair and walks to the portrait gallery] Kids have been doing the tooth fairy racket in this town for years. [points to each picture as he traces the line of succession] I do it just like my big brother before me, and my oldest brother before that.
Stan: Damnit! And we thought we were so original!
Loogie: Let me ask you something: You were gonna sneak a tooth under this rich kid's pillow? Then what?
Stan: Well, uh-what do you mean?
Loogie: How are the kid's parents gonna know there was a tooth under their child's pillow? [the boys stay silent]
Boy 1: Ha! You guys don't even know how the tooth trade works!
Stan: What's a "tooth trade?"
Loogie: Look, any shmuck can sneak through a window wearing a pretty dress. The tooth racket is much more involved. [a street overlay showing kids at work in the neighborhood appears. A kid dispatcher sends them off] We keep careful track of what houses we've hit so that we don't hit the same one twice in less than two months. [the tooth fairy enters a window with another kid] Inside the house we not only have to sneak a tooth under the pillow, but leave a note for Mom and Dad to see. [this other kid places the note on John's bedroom door]
DEAR
TOOTHFAIRY,

I LOST A TOOTH!

I PUT IT UNDER

MY PILLOW!
This is how we let the parents know to leave money under the pillow. [the fairies ride through the neighborhood on their bikes] Once the note is in place in the last house, we start all over, going back to the first house. But this time, all we have to do is collect money. [shots of the tooth fairies cleaning up] And the kids never know what hit 'em.
The South Park boys: Wow!
Loogie: The hardest part is getting teeth. We tried various places. Cemeteries [Loogie's boys disinter a corpse and pull at its teeth], hockey games [two hockey players collide and one of them smacks the other one. A boy skates out and retrieves the loose tooth], anywhere we can find them [A beat-up boy is tied to a chair in a warehouse. The boy with the spiky hair is about to strike him with a mallet]
Beat-up Boy: Nooo! [the mallet heads for his…]
Loogie: The teeth we do manage to acquire are then sorted according to size, color, and quality. [like gems, they are sent to conveyor belts to be sorted by lab technicians] But there's never enough teeth. Never enough.
Stan: Amazing.
Cartman: Man, that is tits!
Loogie: And now my only problem is, what do I do with you? [the boys are alarmed]
Boy 1: Rowwr!
Loogie: Tell you what: how would you like to run the South Park tooth racket for me?
Stan: Oh. Uh-I don't know.
Loogie: It's that, or else I can cut off your penises. [motions with his knife]
Cartman: Hm. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Hm's see…
Kyle: Cartman!
Stan: How much do we get if we work for you?
Loogie: I'll cut you in at 2%.
Cartman: Two percent, have my penis cut off. [Kyle gets mad at him] Two percent-
Stan: We're in!
[American Dental Association, a gleaming skyscraper, day. Then the interior is shown, with all the dentists assembled. Dr. Roberts speaks]
Dr. Roberts: Fellow dentists: As you all know, we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth from all over the country. There are also reports of missing tooth fairy money. We believe that there can be only one logical reason for all of this. [presses a button to reveal a projection] A giant half-chicken/half-squirrel [shown sitting on a tree stump] that steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep in order to build some kind of giant nest [the chicken-squirrel feeds its young] for its genetically superior and potentially dangerous offspring! We believe also that this creature would have at least a mild understanding of algebra [the chicken-squirrel tries to solve a basic problem], and that it-
Dentist: [stands] Uh, excuse me? I think I have a more logical theory.
Dr. Roberts: …Yeah. Weh well, by all means, Mr. Foley, enlighten us!
Mr. Foley: I think what we've got here is some kind of black-market tooth racket. Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit. [the rest of the doctors, including the ADA head, laugh at him]
Dr. Roberts: Oh, Mr. Foley, you realize how ridiculous that sounds.
Mr. Foley: It's not ridiculous. It's very possible. I've seen it happen before.
Dr. Roberts: Where?!
Mr. Foley: In Montreal. [the rest of the convention laughs louder]
Dr. Roberts: And where, pray, is this "Montreal"?!
Mr. Foley: [determined] Look, I know how to handle this. All we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall. You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!
Dr. Roberts: Uhyub-dub very well, Mr. Foley, you go on your wild goosechase and meanwhile, we'll deal with the real problems at hand. [points at the chicken-squirrel]
Mr. Foley: Well, I will! [leaves his seat and heads out the door]
Dr. Roberts: [chuckles] Anyway, the half-chicken/half-squirrel would most likely be about three to four-and-a-half feet tall. His large beak is probably detachable, and works as a flotation device.
[South Park Elementary, day. Lunchtime in the cafeteria]
Boy: [off-camera] Here! Here, over here, look! Look what I got- I got from the chef! [the main cafeteria doors fly open and in walk the foursome. Kenny is dressed in a baby-blue suit with hat and cane, Cartman wears a floor-length tiger-fur coat, Stan wears a formal blue suit, and Kyle wears a book- reads a book and wears a black suit. As they walk through the cafeteria kids turn and stare. Among them are Bebe, Butters, and Wendy. The boys enter the kitchen]
Chef: Hello there, children.
The Boys: Hey, Chef.
Stan: We all want double-desserts today!
Chef: Oh. Well, uh, I'm afraid that the school charges extra for that.
Cartman: Yeah? Well, that ain't nothin' but a thang. [tosses Chef a wad of bills]
Chef: [surprised, fumbles with the wad] Oh my God! There has got to be at least fifteen dollars here!
Cartman: That's right. Keep the change, my man.
Chef: Well! Look at you cute little crackers! With your money and your fancy clothes and your cell phones, it's almost like you were- [realizes where this is headed] Oh my God, children! What have I told you about drugs?!
The Boys: That there's a time and a place for everything, and it's called "college."
Chef: That's right. And the only thing worse than doin' drugs is dealin' drugs! I'm gonna tell you about when I was your age and got offered drugs. [A flashback to Chef's 8th year. He's walking down the street with his little girlfriend, a Hawaiian wearing a flower in her hair]
Little Chef: Ooo, come on, now.
Kid 1: [all in blue] Hey, kid. You wanna try some dope?
Girl: What?
Kid 1: Come on, kid. Don't you wanna get high?
Little Chef: Hey, man, I don't need dope. Let me sing you a little song:

I can't wait until I grow up
and my weenie get and strong
'Cause when it does I'm gonna bust
And make love to Amanda all night long
I'm gonna make love to Amanda in about ten years!
Kid 3: [olive complexion] What?
Kid 2: [with the A shirt] What the hell is he talking about?
Little Chef: [to Amanda, who's surprised] And that toothpick is gonna turn into an oak tree,…
Stan: U-uh, Chef.
Little Chef: I'ma knock you down, knock you up,…
Stan: Chef!
Little Chef: …knock you over, and knock you all around.
Stan: CHEF!
Chef: Uh?
Stan: We're not dealing drugs!
Chef: You're not?
Stan: No!
Chef: Oh, uh weh-ell, children, whatever you're doin', just remember this: havin' money may seem fun, but… [tries to find a moral] Ooh, uh-oh, never mind.
The Boys: Thanks, Chef. [they leave]
Kyle: See ya.
Chef: Damn, that little Amanda was fine! I'm gonna look her up. [reaches under the counter for a phone and dials away]
[The boys return to the cafeteria with their food]
Stan: Dude, having this much money is great! Working for Loogie rules!
Cartman: Yeah, but you know, why do we need Loogie? We know how the trade works: why don't we do it ourselves and keep all the profit?
Stan: We can't do that, dude. Loogie will kick our asses.
Cartman: Oh, what the hell is that little Pollack gonna do, huh? Come on, you guys. I say we create our own mob crime family!
Kyle: [still reading] Dude, this book says there could be infinite alternate realities to every reality.
Cartman: Sure, Kyle.
[Loogie's restaurant, night. Loogie's talking to someone on his cell phone at table]
Loogie: They're what?! They're not gonna pay me? Who the hell do they think they are? I want those South Park kids dead! I want their families dead! I want their houses burned to the ground! [Mr. Foley enters; Loogie hangs up and does a falsetto] Oh, hi there, Mister. My mommy and daddy are out front, if you need 'em.
Mr. Foley: Let's cut the crap, kid. My name is Tom Foley. I'm with the American Dental Association.
Loogie: Sit down, Mr. Foley. Do you want some spaghetti?
Mr. Foley: [sits] No thanks, I just brushed. I just wanted to let you know that I'm onto you.
Loogie: I told the ADA a thousand times: I know nothing about teeth. I'm just an 8-year-old boy who likes climbing trees and playing in puddles.
Mr. Foley: I am going to find out who the boss is! And when I do I'm gonna bust his ass and everyone's ass who helped hide his ass! [having run out of things to say, he turns and walks out. Loogie resumes eating]
[Cartman's house, day, living room. He is seated behind a desk talking to a boy]
Cartman: So, you've brought me 400 lbs. of teeth from China.
Odd Boy: [an anxious kid with oval head and big eyes] That's right, yeah [plops the bag on the desk] . It's all top-grade stuff, too.These Chinese kids are selling their teeth for peanuts, see?
Cartman: [takes a scope out and analyzes a tooth] How much?
Odd Boy: Well, huh, Tang Li wants 30, but, but I can cut you a deal for 28, yeh ha, buh. Heh, ha-buh, what do you say, huh? [smiles]
Cartman: Can I ask you a question, Weasel?
Weasel: [the odd boy] Awuh, hawuh, why, sure, sure.
Cartman: [rests his scope] Do you think I'm an idiot?
Weasel: Huh?
Cartman: These are cat teeth, you sonofabitch! You trying to sell me 400 lbs. of cat teeth?! [Weasel starts acting like a monkey. Kyle is seen reading another book] Get out of my sight! [Weasel hops off the chair and splits] Lousy little scum! [the phone rings] What?!
Boy 2: [on the phone. His mates have Kenny on a bridge railing, ready to dump him] This is your last chance, kid! Either you give the boss his cut, or else we're gonna throw your pal into the river wearing concrete galoshes!
Cartman: I ain't giving you crap! Kenny's not afraid of you! [hangs up]
Kyle: Oh my God, this book says that negative and positive are the same thing; that real and not real are one.
[The river. Boy 2 hangs up]
Boy 2: He's not gonna do it?!
Kenny: (He's not gonna do it?!) [looks over as Boy 2 places a call]
Boy 2: He's not gonna do it, boss!
Loogie: Well then, throw him in. [Boy 2 gives the signal]
Boy 1: Alright, kid. Time to die. [he and his partner each grab a hold of an arm]
Kenny: (No! Nono! No! Don't do this! Nononooo!) [the two boys shove him off. Kenny lands in the river, but hits bottom before even getting wet. He looks down and attempts a few steps. The others look down from the bridge.]
Boy 2: Oh, man, how deep is the Platte River?
[News report, night]
Anchor: …to which Ms. Clinton replied, "I don't even like Vagina." Finally tonight, a human-interest story. Dan Akawa is live.
Dan Akawa: [field reporter, next to a family] Thanks, Tom. I'm here at the house of little Billy Circlovich, um. Billy is in desperate need of a bone-marrow transplant [Billy strokes his nose] or he will most certainly die. [addresses the boy] Billy, how much more money do you need for the transplant? [puts the mic in front of Billy]
Billy: [almost whispering] Sih, six hundred dollar-. [the reporter jerks the mic away]
Dan Akawa: Louder, Billy, we can't hear ya!
Billy: [trembling] Duh six hundred dohollars.
Dan Akawa: Well, that's a lot of money.How the hell are you gonna get all that in the short amount of time you have left?
Billy: Well, I a-I don't know.
Dan Akawa: Well, Billy, I also understand that you lost a tooth today.
Billy: Yehahah.
Dan Akawa: Billy, we want you to put that tooth under your pillow tonight, because we have a feeling that the tooth fairy [points to Billy's parents and winks at the camera] is going to leave you six hundred dollars for it!
Billy: Really?
Mr. Circlovich: Really?
Dan Akawa: Yes, really. [hands Dad the money; he passes it to Mom. Billy grins] Six hundred dollars. I might also mention that Billy lives in Crestview Apartments, just off Arapaho Road on Emporia Street. Back to you, Tom. [print!] How was that?
Mr. Foley: [standing with two other dentists and the field crew] Perfect. The trap is set.
Cameraman: Naw, come on. D'ya really think anyone will fall for somethin' that stupid?
[The Cartman house. Cartman is in a hot tub, Stan and Kyle sit nearby]
Cartman: Six hundred dollars, you guys! Come on, get your stuff together! [leaves the tub] This is gonna be tits!
Kyle: [to Stan] Dude, this book says I don't exist unless I think I do. But what if I don't?
Cartman: [returns] Will somebody take those books away from him?
[The Circlovich house, night. A Rotary Phone Service van sits out front. Switch to Billy's room. Dad hides the $600 behind his back while Mom talks to Billy]
Mrs, Circlovich: Be sure to put your loose tooth under your pillow, Billy.
Billy: Okay-y, Mom. [turns and hops on the bed. Outside, a periscope rises from the van roof and looks around]
Mr. Foley: [in the van, moves the viewer aside] Thank you for helping out, gentlemen. [walks up to the other dentists and a technician] If this sting operation works, some bogus tooth fairies should be showing up to take the sick kid's money. When they touch the kid's pillow, an alarm will sound, and that's when you hit the button, Murphy, and activate the lights. Everybody got it?
Dentists: Got it.
Murphy: [the technician, acting dumb] Duuuh, which button do I hit again, boss? [Foley isn't laughing, so Murphy chuckles] Just kidding. You know how there's always the dumb guy in sting operations in the movies? I was, you know I was actin', I was actin' like him, eheh, oh.
[The highway, night. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle walk along a path paralleling the highway. Cartman is dressed as the tooth fairy.]
Cartman: Hurry up, you guys. We've gotta get that sick kid's tooth fairy money before Loogie does.
Kyle: I can't deal with it, Stan. I mean, all the stuff I've been reading; I really don't think I exist!
Stan: Dude, just stop thinking about it.
Kyle: But I can't, because, what if thinking about it is the only thing keeping my space-time together? [the boys pass the Platter River]
Kenny: [still in the river in the distance] (You guys! You guys, over here! …Hey!)
Kyle: Sometimes I think I can see time slowing down, [(Heeyy!!)] and my own existence fading.
[The Circlovich house, the van.]
Billy: [heard in the van] G'night, Mom. G'night, Dad.
Mr. Foley: Alright. Everyone, keep your eyes peeled. [everyone suits up in riot gear. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle arrive at Billy's bedroom. Cartman is quickly hoisted up as Billy's parents come to kiss him]
Billy: I'm going to bed now, Mommy. I put my tooth under the pillow. Do you really think the tooth fairy will give me money for the transplant?
Mr. Circlovich: I think so, Billy. I think so.
Billy: Well, I can't wait to feel healthy and strong again.
Cartman: [thinking aloud] Yeah, well, you're gonna have to wait a little bit longer, Billy, 'cause that 600 bucks is mine!
Kyle: Light is a wave unless it's observed? That means all matter is just a wave. [Cartman opens the window and floats in grinning] Nothing's real! Reality in a nuh- Oh God, it's happening! [begins to disappear]
Stan: [noticing the silence] Kyle?
Murphy: Eh something strange is happening with the computers. [Stan looks at the space in which Kyle once stood]
Loogie: [shows up with his mob] Well, well, well. What do we have here?
Stan: [notices] Aw, shit.
Loogie: Did you bastards really think you could hide from me forever? Kolovski [Boy 1 steps forward], put this buttwipe out of his misery. [Kolovski reaches into his jacket]
Cartman: [retrieves the cash] I got it!
Billy: [opens his eyes and rises] The tooth fairy! [the alarms go off.]
Mr. Foley: Let's move out! [exits the van with the other dentists]
Loogie: Aw, drat! [the dentists close in]
Mr. Foley: Give it up, kids. You're surrounded by dentists.
Loogie: It was a trap!
Mr. Foley: That's right. And now it's all exposed! You're through! The only thing left to do is to haul all you kids down to prison! [the other dentists move in closer]
A voice: This is reality! I am everywhere [Kyle's head, undulating, appears], and nowhere.
Mr. Foley: What the hell?
Cartman: Kyle?
Kyle: I am nothing, and everything.
[Everything and everyone begin to undulate with Kyle's head and scream and groan. Next, Kyle's fetus (with hat) is seen floating against a starry sky. Then, his head flies over a desert, and images from his past clock in: a deer, a skip-loader, a mailbox, a slice of Swiss cheese. Back at Billy's house, the images are: Kyle's head, a boombox, Kyle's head, a frog, Kyle's head, a cow, Kyle's head, a tricycle, Kyle's head, a four-assed monkey, Kyle's head. The half-chicken/half-squirrel shows up as Kyle's head disappears for the last time, and scares everyone]
Dr. Roberts: Well, I told you! [the chicken-squirrel goes after the dentists, and the kids disperse]
Mr. Foley: Let's get outta here! [leaves with his group. Everyone scatters. Stan, Cartman, and Loogie remain in the backyard, and Billy grins with the $600 back in his hands. Kyle reappears in front of them]
Kyle: Hunh. That was pretty weird.
Loogie: Jesus! The little sick kid was a setup all along! [Billy drops from his bed and walks away] How could I be so stupid?!
Stan: What?
Loogie: I can't believe I fell for such an obvious trap! What the hell is wrong with me?!
Cartman: Weh-well, uh, du-don't take it too hard, dude, uh. That's what grown-ups do.They lie. Lie right to your face.
Loogie: Oh well. Maybe it's good my empire has fallen.
Stan: Really?
Loogie: Yeah. I kinda wanted to play in the flag football team this year anyways.
Stan: So you're not gonna hurt us or nothin'?
Loogie: Naah. In a way, I'm just glad the whole thing's over with.
Kyle: Yeah. But you know, I've learned something today. You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our conscioousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.
Cartman: …Tits.
[The Platte River, day. Kenny has turned to his left. As the end credits roll, Kenny tries with great effort to make his way to a bank. He hops a few times and lands in a hidden gully in which he promptly drowns. A motorized chair is soon heard]
Timmy: [zipping by on the road above] Timmy!
[End of The Tooth Fairy's Tats 2000]