The Main Street was being decorated all up and down.
People stood in long lines, sometimes waiting hours or more,
Because Christmas need to be bought in a store.
But out in the forest, not too far away...
The time that's only once a year.
We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near.
A Woodland Critter Christmas!
And each one of them had a quite interesting name
There was Squirrely the squirrel, Rabbity the rabbit,
Beavery the beaver, and Beary the bear
Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk,
Foxy the fox, and Deery the deer
Woodpeckery the woodpecker, Mousey the mouse,
and Chickadee-y the chickadee, all made the forest their house.
And on that magical day, stumbling upon all of that,
was a surprised little boy, in a red poofball hat.
Every critter holds it dear
Every animal big or small
Christmas means so much to us all
the boy in the red poofball hat made a star for the tree
The little boy smiled with joy in his eyes
and he winked at his critter friends and leapt to their side!
making a place for the critter babe to lay its sweet head
The time that's only once a year.
We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near-
the horrid mountain lion and preyed on the weak.
For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty old cat...
-
[he looks at a cave entrance, then up at the peak]
Killing the mountain lion was no easy task,
but he thought of a plan, and he thought of it fast.Stan: [gesturing] Grrr. Grrr! Come on out! [the lion is heard roaring from inside the cave, and it roars. It approaches the entrance] Come on, critter killer! Your days of slaughtering innocent little animals are over! Rawrrrrr! [anticipating the lion's leap, he runs off. The lion lunges at him, but misses. Stan moves to the side of the peak and turns, gesturing] Rawrrrrr! [Stan runs up the side of the peak, and the lion follows. Stan reaches the peak and turns to face the lion. The lion lunges at Stan again. Stan drops out of the way and the lion goes over the peak and onto its death below, at the cave entrance] Narrator: In a flash it was over! A victorious blow!
The mountain lion lay slain on the cold ground below.[The cave entrance. Stan sees that the mountain lion is motionless and approaches] Stan: Hokay, there. [three cubs approach the entrance] Middle Cub: Mommy? Mommy! [they rush up to her body] W... wake up, Mommy, wake up! Pale Cub: Don't leave us, Mommy. [Stan realizes that this dangerous mountain lion was a mom, so his jaw drops. The pale cub approaches him] Man-boy, why? Why did you kill our mommy? Why? Stan: [at a loss for words] I... the... critters. Their... bir-birth of a Savior? [the cubs snuggle close to their mom's body] Narrator: The tiny cubs all gathered together and cried,
All alone in the world because their mother had died.Stan: [turns away and squeezes his eyes shut] Aw. Awww! [The forest floor, night. The critters have set up a campfire close to the manger and are keeping warm by it.] Porcupiney: [feeling a kick] Oooo. Beary: You all right, Lady Porcupiney? Porcupiney: Oh yes, just felt a little kick is all. Beavery : Well, it's been much too long now. Uh I'm afraid our helpful friend Stanny must be very dead. Foxy: Yep, the mountain lion probably swallowed him whole. Rabbity: I guess that means our Savior is gonna be made into Savior stew. Critters: Awwww. Chickadee-y: [flitting straight up into the air] Wait a minute, look! [the animals turn to see Stan approaching them] Critters: Stanny! [they gather in front of him] Mousey: Stanny, you're alive. Beary: But, does that mean you killed the mountain lion? Stan: It's dead. Deery: For real and for true? Beavery: Are you sure. Stan: I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore. Squirrely: He did it! Now our critter Christmas can finally happen! Hail Satan! Critters: Hail Satan! Stan: Wait, wha-what? Beavery: You've done us a huge favor, Stanny! Without the mountain lion around, the Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the Antichrist! Critters: Yaaay Satan! [they head over to the manger] Stan: Waiwait, the Antichrist?? You said she was giving birth to your savior! Squirrely: Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness. Stan: But I thought you meant the Son of God! Deery: Well, think about it: You really think God would have sex with a porcupine? Chickadee-y: No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness and King of all Evil would do that! Yay! Foxy: This just calls for a celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh! Rabbity: Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil! [the other critters cheer. Stan is frozen stunned as Beary pulls up a satanic altar on a small wagon with a little help from Squirrely. The other animals bring Rabbity up to the altar. Rabbity is propped up on the altar and Beary tears him apart with a big knife. The other animals crowd in, tear away pieces of the body, and eat them raw] Chickadee-y: Drink his blood! Drink his blood! Squirrely: [jumps into a puddle of blood] Blood orgy!!! Critters: Yay, blood orgy! Blood orgy, yay! [the critters drench themselves in Rabbity's blood and begin the orgy. Beavery mounts Raccoony, Skunky mounts Porcupiney, Mousey mounts foxy, and Beary mounts Deery. Squirrely hope onto Deery's left ear and mounts that. Chickadee-y flits around. In the background is heard "Sting, so true!" Stan is traumatized now.] Critters: What special time and special day,
It's Woodland Critter Christmas.Squirrely: [a circular window opens and he pops up] Hail Satan. [The forest floor, night. The critters return to the manger and decorate it. As the narrator speaks, the following takes place. The star atop the manger is turned so it points down. Owls bring flowers to the mountain lion's corpse. The lion cubs are shown, then the mountain peak, then Stan is shown with his head buried into his arms at his desk in his room] Narrator: In the gentle forest clearing on Christmas Eve morn,
The little forest critters prepared for the Antichrist to be born.
The noble mountain lion had stopped evil in all the years past,
But now the good protector lay dead as the good owls amassed.
And meanwhile three lion cubs were crying away.
For them there would certainly be no Christmas Day,
And soon the forest would suffer from the offspring Satan begat.
All of this because of the little boy in the red poofball hat.Stan: Ugh. Narrator: Now that he'd killed the noble lion queen,
there was nobody to stop the Apocalypse, it seemed.Stan: Uuugh! Narrator: "I know!" he said with a new happy grin,
"I'll go back to the forest and speak with those critters again!"Stan: [waves the narrator away and leaves his desk] No nonono. Narrator: He ran out the living room, turned out the light,
and went back to the forest to set everything right![Stan enters the living room, hops on the sofa, and turns on the TV. "The Jeffersons" theme song is heard.] Narrator: ... and went back to the forest to set everything right! - [Stan looks at the show, willfully ignoring the narrator]
... He tried to forget all about it by watching TV - [Stan tries to change channels, but the remote is broken]
but his conscience caught up with him and to the forest he did flee.
... He thought he could hide from his problems - not true! -
[Stan rolls his eyes]
He knew in his heart the thing he had to do!Stan: Leave me aLONE!! Narrator: He knew that only by going to the forest could he- Stan: All right all right all right!! God!! [turns off the TV, hops off the sofa and walks out the door, leaving the remote control on the floor] [The manger at the forest clearing, day. The animals continue decorating] Beavery: [looks around] Hey, look everyone! It's our old pal, Stanny. [the other critters turn and look] Woodpeckery: Oh boy, Stanny. You came just in time! Deery: Yeah. We've got a big problem. Squirrely: The Great Satan has commanded that when the Antichrist is born, we must find a human host body to transfer it into. Chickadee-y: That way he could take over the whole world. The whole world! Mousey: The human must be non-baptized and heathenistic against Christ. Beavery: We figured you'd be perfect! Critters: Yay! Stan: I'm not a heathen! I was baptized and my family's Christian! Critters: Awwwww. Beary: But we got to have a human host body for the Antichrist. Deery: Oh dear, maybe we won't have a critters C-Christmas after all. Squirrely: Now don't be down, y'all. Stanny can help us find non-baptized heathen human. Chickadee-y: Will you really, Stanny? Stan: No!! I'm not doing you anymore favors and I'm not letting you give birth to the Antichrist! [walks off] I came here to put a stop to all this! Beavery: To stop us? Beary: But gee whiz, Stan, if you try to stop us, we'd have to use our evil satanic powers on ya. Stan: Right, whatever. [turns around] I'm taking down the manger I built. [Beary's eyes turn red and brighten. A wall of fire appears before Stan] Ah! [the wall gets higher] Aaaah!! [all the critters' eyes are flashing a bright red. Vultures swoop down and attack Stan] Aagh! Aaaahh! [a two-headed demon dog appears snarling at him; he runs off] AAAAAAAH!! AAAAAAAH!! [the critters' eyes are back to normal] Beary: Oh boy! Our satanic powers sure did the trick! Chickadee-y: Our powers get stronger every day, get stronger every day! Squirrely: Sorry Stanny, but you see, nothing can stop the birth of the Antichrist, except for a mountain lion. Skunky: And you got rid o'her. Critters: Yay! Narrator: The boy shook with anger! He broke a sweat and fell ill
When he remembered there were three mountain cubs still alive on the hill!Stan: Oh yeah. [The mountain peak, day. Stan climbs up to the cave again.] Stan: Hello? Anybody in there? [the three cubs appear at the entrance of the cave] Dark Cub: Oh no, it's the man-boy who killed Mommy! Medium Cub: He's come to kill us now. Light Cub: It's okay. I died inside when Mommy was killed anyways. Dark Cub: Yeah, better this than the slow death we'd face without a mother around. Stan: Look, I'm sorry I killed your mom. The, the squirrel told me she was evil. Medium Cub: You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you're not too smart, are you, mister? Stan: I'm trying to make this all right again, but the only thing that can stop devil-worshiping critters is a mountain lion! Dark Cub: Yeah, and you killed her. Stan: Well, you're mountain lions. Light Cub: Us? No, we're just kids. We still have our baby teeth. Medium Cub: And our baby claws. Dark Cub: And a dead mom. Stan: There still has to be a way for you to kill the porcupine's baby. Dark Cub: What? You mean like in an abortion? Light Cub: Yeah. An abortion. That can work. Medium Cub: But, we don't know how to give abortions. Dark Cub: Do you know some place we can learn, mister? Narrator: "Where can they learn that?" the boy said with a frown.
"I know! The abortion clinic just outside of town."Stan: [cross] What?! Narrator: So he picked up the cubs and down the mountain he stormed.
And took them to where abortions are performed.Stan: No, he didn't. Narrator: Yes he did. Stan: No, he didn't! Narrator: Yes he did. Stan: No, he didn't!! Narrator: Yes he [next scene has Stan holding the cubs at the abortion clinic as the doctor there prepares to abort a baby] did! Stan: Aw Goddamnit! [the doctor and patient are startled] Narrator: Said the boy in the red poofball hat! "We've made it already, little cubs! Fancy that!" Doctor: [walks over] Excuse me, what are you doing here?! Narrator: The abortion doctor inquired. Doctor: If you wanna be in the OR, a pass is required! Stan: I don't know, I, I'm supposed to show these mountain lions how an abortion is performed or something, I... I know, it'd ridiculous. Doctor: Well, you're in luck, I'm happy to inform!
It's only three days until Christmas, so I have LOTS of abortions to perform!
Gather around my table, cute little lions,
I'll teach you to do abortions without even tryin'!Narrator: And so the little boy and the cubs gathered around the chair base,
And all day watched abortion after abortion take place.[Montage. The doctor puts on his gloves and the cubs peer into the patient's vagina. Stan peers in as well, from a distance. The doctor works away happily and cleans up well. The patient leaves, and the next one is worked on. One of the cubs is on a desk next to a bottled fetus. He hops off, knocking the bottle off as well. The bottle pops open and the fetus falls out. Everyone turns and sees the fetus on the floor, and laugh about it. The doctor works on the next patient and the dark cub brings him some forceps. The doctor smiles and strokes the cub's head. The other two cubs snuggle up to the patient on her shoulders, and she smiles at them] Singer: Christmas time is once a year.
Every critter holds it dear.
Every animal big or small,
Christmas means so much to us all.
It's once a year, it's Christmastime!
And it happens once a year.
It's once a year, it's Christmastime!
When we hear about how Christmas only comes
Once a year.Stan: This better have a point, dude. This really better have a point. [The forest floor. The critters walk along singing their Christmas tune] Critters: It's almost time when the time is here,
The time that's only once a year.Beary: Oh look. That little feller is all alone. Skunky: Gee, he looks sad. [next shot is Kyle kneeling next to his sled, looking sad] Critters: Hi there! Kyle: [gets up and turns around] What the hell? Beavery: How come you're all alone on Christmas Eve. Kyle: My... family doesn't celebrate Christmas. Raccoony: Aww, but why? Kyle: Well, because, we don't really ...believe in Jesus. Critters: [cheering] Yay! Beary: But does that mean you aren't baptized? Kyle: No. I'm Jewish. Critters: [exulting] Yay! Yay! [they gather around Kyle] Beavery: You've got to come with us! Deery: You're perfect! Just pu-perfect! Kyle: Huh? Critters: [taking him away] Yay! Woohoo! Woohoohoo! Critters: What special time and special day,
It's Woodland Critter Christmas.Squirrely: [a circular window opens and he pops up] Hail Satan. [The woods, night. The camera pans along] Narrator: Twas the night before Christmas, and above the woods, way up high,
a new bright shiny star hung in the sky.-
[bright RED star. Stan walks into view]
For the world to be saved there was only one shot.
A little boy with three cubs, and an abortion plot.Stan: Okay, come on, the critters are over this way. You mountain lions ready to stop the Antichrist from being born? Dark Cub: Sure. We know how to give abortions now. Narrator: He arrived at the critter forest ready to fight,
but then gasped when he saw a most dreadful sight.-
[the critters are in and around the manger looking at the new baby, the Antichrist]
Beavery: Guys, we did it! Squirrely: The critter Antichrist is born, bringin' a thousand years of darkness to the forest. [the Antichrist growls and throws little fits] Narrator: The Antichrist had been born, sealing the world's fate.
The boy in the red poofball hat... was too late.Stan: Too late? The hell is that?? Beavery: Oh. Hiya, Stanny! Kyle: [now tied to the altar, frightened] Stan! Stan, what the hell is going on?! Stan: It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass! Skunky: Now all we have to do is put the Antichrist into our human host. Critters: Let's go! All right! Woohoo! Stan: [turns to the lion cubs] That's it?! Ten thousand years of darkness and I don't even have a Merry Christmas?! [Skunky, Squirrely, Beary, and Chickadee-y walk over to get Kyle. Santa's sleigh appears in the sky] Narrator: When up in the sky the sound of sleigh bells were heard And a jolly red sleigh flew down to the earth like a bird! Beavery: Wwow, look, there's Santa Claus! Critters: [cheering] Yay! Skunky: Let's eat his flesh! [the sleigh lands and rolls to s stop] Santa: [hops out] All right, what the hell is going on?! Why is there a red star glowing in the sky?! Raccoony: We finally did it, Santa! We brought forth the Antichrist with help from our good friend, Stanny. Skunky: Death and pain await all living things. Santa: LIttle boy, you should be ashamed! Stan: I mean, I didn't mean to help them, I I tried to stop them! Santa: Well good going, stupid! There's only one way to stop devil-worshiping critters! [reaches back and whips out a long shotgun. He fires, and the top half of Beavery's head is gone.] Critters: Aaaaah! [they scatter. Santa fires again, and Deery goes down. Two more shots and the tops of Raccoony's and Skunky's heads come off] Stan: Dude, what the? [Squirrely activates his demon power with the red glow from his eyes and a wall of fire appears before Santa.] Singers: Hold steady, Santa [Santa simply hops through it, gets into position, and fires at Squirrely, blowing him to smithereens.] Stan: [goes to untie Kyle from the altar] Come on, dude. [Santa continues firing at the remaining critters. Porcupiney is blown apart, then Foxy.] Beary: Gee whiz, Santa, you're not gonna kill me, are you- [his head is blown off and he goes down] Dark Cub: But Santa, what do we do about the Antichrist? [Stan and Kyle join Santa and the cubs] Santa: Don't worry, boys. The Antichrist cannot survive without a human host body to go into. Kyle: [looks down] No. [walks towards the manger] No, I want to have the Antichrist inside me! Stan: What? Kyle?? Kyle: [now in the manger, behind the trough] With his power, I can finally make the earth a better place for the Jews! Santa: Don't do it, Kyle! [grinning evilly, Kyle holds the little Antichrist in his left hand. A glow emanates from the Antichrist and its spirit floats out of its body and into Kyle's chest. Stan growls from the effects and stretches his arms out] Stan: Dude!! Kyle: [returns to the altar, climbs up, and exults] Yes, yes!! Now the Jews will take control of Christmas once and for all! HAHA! HAAA!! Kyle: [voice-over] Oh, stop it, Cartman! [the spell is broken] [Mr. Garrison's class, day. All the students are seated, and they're taking turns telling Christmas stories. Cartman is telling his now.] Kyle: Just stop it! That's enough! You aren't reading another sentence of your stupid story! Cartman: I don't believe anyone interrupted YOU when you read your Christmas story aloud, Kyle. [behind him on the board is written "Write Your Own Christmas Story Day"] Kyle: This whole time your stupid story was just a way to rip on me for being Jewish at Christmas again! Cartman: Mr. Garrison, could you do something, please? Mr. Garrison: Sorry, Eric, but if Kyle feels discriminated against, you'll have to stop or else I'll get a call from his mother. Cartman: [closes his booklet] All right, fine! Forget it! [drops off the stool and heads for his desk] Butters: Wwell but, but what happened? Token: Yeah. Did Kyle bring a thousand years of darkness or not? Clyde: What happens to the lion cubs? Cartman: Well, I guess we'll never know, because Kyle doesn't wanna hear how it ends. Stan: No, it all worked out, right? The world was saved and I went home for Christmas dinner. Kyle: Dude, why do you care?! Stan: Well after all that I at least wanna know if I had a merry Christmas or if darkness rules the earth. Kyle: Oh come on! It's obvious what happens! I get killed by Santa Claus so that Christmas is saved! Cartman: That's not at all what happens. Butters: Aw well, come on. Let him read us the end. Clyde: Yeah yeah, come on! [the other kids chime in] Kyle: All right, fine! Cartman: [returns to the stool and resumes the story. He clears his throat] "Oh dear, my best friend is possessed! How about that?" said the little boy in the red poofball hat. [The spell is restored. Kyle is back on the altar exulting] Kyle: HAHAHAA!! Now I shall rule the- [feels something...] Aww. Uuugh. God it burns! AAAH! My soul is on fire! Whoa. Oh, I don't like this! [hops off the altar] I didn't know it would feel so... dark and evil! Stan: Well what did you expect, dude? It's the son of the Devil. Kyle: Oh God, what have I done?? [sits down] I'm sorry. Please, I don't wanna be the vessel for the Antichrist. Santa: [with his shotgun at the ready] I'm sorry, but it's too late, Kyle! Santa's gonna have to kill you! [pumps the shotgun] Stan: No Santa, don't! Santa: We don't have a choice. In a few hours, the dark creature inside him will consume his soul. Narrator: The little boy fretted. He almost started to bawl
But that's when he came up with the best idea of all.-
[Stan grins]
Stan: The lion cubs! Narrator: The little boy quickly begun, Stan: I took them to see how abortions are done. [there's always a choice...] Santa: What?? Stan: Now cubs, do like they showed you. Hurry up fast!
Get the Antichrist out of my friend Kyle's ass!-
[the cubs trot over to Kyle, who's on a makeshift delivery bed]
Narrator: And in the twinkling starlight, each little cub did their portion.
They remember all they had learned and gave Kyle an abortion.[The dark cub is deep in Kyle's ass, retrieving the Antichrist with his teeth. He succeeds and takes it to Santa quickly. Santa takes it and sets it down on a stump. Santa grabs a large mallet next to the stump, raises it over his head, and bring it down upon the Antichrist, smashing it to bits with a loud THUD] Kyle: Thanks, everybody. I I'm sorry I got a little crazy there. Santa: Well little boy, it seems that YOU [points to Stan] have really been through a lot. Is there any special present you would like this year? Stan: [smiles] Yeah. Yeah, there is. [The lions' cave. Santa arrives at the corpse of the mountain lioness and moves his hand over it, releasing some magic dust and watching it settle. The lioness stirs] Mother Lion: Weh, ah my, what happened? A Cub: [the three of them run up to greet her] Mommy? The Cubs: Yay! You're back! We missed you, Mommy! Stan: [relieved] Ogh, good. [Stan's house. He runs into his parents' arms as Shelley and Grandpa look on. Next, they're all seated at table, eating. Next, Stan and Shelley are opening their gifts] Narrator: And back home, there were presents, and lots of food to get fat.
And it was the best Christmas ever for the boy in the red poofball hat.[A shot of the town, receding from view] Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later. [a shot of Kyle back in the hospital, dying.] The End Kyle: [voice-over] Goddamnit Cartman! [End of Woodland Critter Christmas.] Singers: Christmastime is once a year
Every creature holds it dear
Every animal big or small
Christmas means the world to us all
It's once a year, it's Christmastime
When we hear about how Christmas only comes
Once a year.
-
[the cubs trot over to Kyle, who's on a makeshift delivery bed]
-
[Stan grins]
-
[the critters are in and around the manger looking at the new baby, the Antichrist]
-
[bright RED star. Stan walks into view]
- [Stan looks at the show, willfully ignoring the narrator]