Avenging Conscience presents:
The Spirit of Christmas: Jesus vs. Frosty

Also known as "A Christmas Story"
and "Frosty"

Cast:
Boy 1 (Stan)
Boy 2 (Kyle)
Kenny (Cartman)
Boy 3 (Kenny)
Jesus
Frosty


Female voice-over: I keep hearing this melody in my ears…
[A field. Four boys are working on a snowman]
Kids: Frosty the Snowman was a jolly, happy soul
With a corncob pipe and a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal
There must have been some magic in that old felt hat they found
For when they placed in on his head…
Boy 1: Dude!
Boy 2: What?
Boy 1: Don't put the magic hat on the snowman.
Boy 2: Why?
Boy 1: 'Cause if you do, he's gonna come to life.
Boy 2: Cool!
Boy 1: No it's not cool! My sister - in, in Minnesota - put a hat on a snowman and it tried to kill her!
Boy 2: Fuck him, let's do it anyway.
Boy 3: Yeah.
Kids: There must have been some magic in that old felt hat they found
For when they placed in on his head…
[Percolating music starts and the hat starts to move around the snowman's head. He comes to life and immediately assumes a growling psoture. The kids stare in horror as tentacles sprout out from underneath the snowman. They scatter as the snowman picks up Kenny with its tentacles and throws him quite a distance. Kenny lands and bleeds to death. The other kids catch up to him.]
Boy 3: Huuhh…??
Boy 2: Oh my God! Frosty killed Kenny!
Boy 1: Dude, I told you not to put that fuckin' hat on Frosty's fuckin' head! Now, didn't I?!
Boy 2: Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Rocket fucking Scientist! What are we s'posed to do now?
Boy 1: I don't know what we're s'posed to…wait. I bet he can help us. [rushes off]
Boy 2: Who?
Santa: Ho ho ho, ho.
Kids: Save us! Save us! Fuckin' save us! Save us!
Santa: Whoa-whoa. Now, tell me what happened, slowwly.
Boy 2: Okay. We were just building a snowman…and all of a sudden…it came to life…
Boy 1: I told him. I said, 'Don't put the magic hat…on the snowman'…and he did it anyways…and…and then he killed our friend, Kenny, and now he's gonna kill everybody!
Santa: Did he look kind of like this? [growls, and reveals his true identity, Frosty!]
Boy 1: Yeah, kind of like that…
Boy 2: Mm-hm, exactly
Boys: [realizing that something is wrong here] AAAAaaaahhhh!
Frosty: Rroowwrroowwrr [the kids scatter. Frosty takes Boy 3 and tosses him to the same spot Kenny died on, and the boy dies there, as well]
Boy 2: You know, ah-I don't think that was the real Santa Claus.
Boy 1: Oh, no shit, Sherlock! You know, thanks to you there's not gonna be any Christmas, and there's no one left to help us.
Boy 2: Oh, Christ!
Boys: [gasp] Jesus!
[A Nativity scene is shown. A traditional Christmas, "Greensleeves," tune plays]
Boy 1: Jesus, we beseech thee in this time of need…
Boy 2: OK. Fucking Frosty, he fuckin' killed… [an angelic choir is heard as the manger brightens]
Boy 1: [angrily] Dude!
Boy 2: …our friend…
Boy 1: Dude! This is Jesus! You don't say 'fuck' in front of Jesus!
Boy 2: [wondering] is that so?
[Jesus rises from his manger. A driving drum beat takes over. This Jesus may be a toddler, but he has a mustache and beard like he does as an adult.]
Boys: Go, Jesus!
[Jesus chases Frosty down. Frosty turns to face him and growls. Jesus takes off his halo and launches it. It slices off the top of Frosty's head along with the hat and returns to Jesus. Frosty quickly falls apart.]
Boys: Our Savior! [Jesus returns to his manger and back to rest]
Boy 1: Phew.
Boy 2: That sucked.
Boy 1: I'm sure glad that's over with.
Boy 2: Yeah. But you know, I learned something today.
Boy 1: [angrily] Yeah, don't put the magic hat of Frosty!
Boy 2: Nno - I learned about the true Spirit of Christmas.
Boy 1: Really?
Boy 2: Yeh. Christmas isn't about Frosty or Santa…
Boy 1: You're right. It's about Jesus.
Boy 2: Nno, it's not even about Jesus, either.
Boy 1: Well, then, what's it all about?
Boy 2: Presents.
Boy 1: Ooooohhhhhh
Boy 2: You see?
Boy 1: Yeah.
Boy 2: Presents.
Boy 1: Hey, man. Let's go home. I know where my parents hide my presents!
Boy 2: Cool!
Boy 1: Yeah. [they leave. A deer comes and nibbles at Kenny's body, then leaves.]
Male Voice-over: …sooo heee waves goodbye, saying, 'Don't you cry, I'll be back again someday.'